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Federal Court Rules that the X-Men are Not Human


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http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/115001-Federal-Court-Rules-that-the-X-Men-are-Not-Human

 

 

 

 

In a move sure to please the anti-mutant movement, a U.S. federal court has ruled that the X-Men (or at least their action figures) do not count as humans.

If you grew up during the 90s, nothing conjures up memories of getting up early and crowding the TV in your pajamas quite like the

X-Men. More than a few Millennials read the comics, watched the TV show, and owned action figures from the freakishly extensive toy line. While the X-Men would like nothing better than to be accepted as brethren by the humans they protect, the United States Court of International Trade finally ruled, after years of debate, that the X-Men do not count as humans, at least as far as importing toys is concerned.

 

The debate entailed a series of court cases going back over ten years. Toy Biz, the company producing X-Men toys, imported the iconic mutant action figures from China, and noticed that the X-Men drew higher tariffs than other toys. As it turns out, tariffs relating to dolls ("representing only human beings and parts and accessories thereof") were higher than those for nonhuman toys. Toy Biz took the case to court and argued that the X-Men (and by extension, Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, and other Marvel heroes) toys represented meta-humans, mutants, aliens, and other inhuman entities. The cases went back and forth for a few years, and had trouble arriving at a universal answer: While the court at one point decided that the X-Men counted as nonhumans, it maintained that their adversary the

Silver Samurai was subject to the "doll" tariffs. Marvel fans are sure to scratch their heads at this one, since the Silver Samurai is as much a mutant as the X-Men themselves.

 

While the case could be seen as a victory for Toy Biz, it's a bit of a hollow one. The company became a division of Mattel a few years ago, and Hasbro now possesses the license for most Marvel toys until 2017. Furthermore, the distinction between dolls and other toys was part of a now-defunct tariff system; the cost to import the two is now the same. If toy tariffs undergo further revision, this ruling could prove useful. Otherwise, chalk this one up as a victory for the

Brotherhood of Mutants. Maybe those divisive humans weren't worth protecting, anyway

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Toy Biz took the case to court and argued that the X-Men (and by extension, Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, and other Marvel heroes) toys represented meta-humans, mutants, aliens, and other inhuman entities.

Hold the phone. Aliens, yes, not human. Mutants, a compelling case is made. But meta-humans who were born human and made super by radiation (I believe Stan Lee did not know of any other way a human might obtain super powers)? That is a bridge too far. The 14th Amendment clearly shows (or has been demonstrated to show through case law) that a natural born citizen cannot have his or her citizenship revoked involuntarily (see Supreme Court case Vance v. Terrazas, 1980), and as citizens have equal protection under the law. Peter Parker was born in New York City, NY and is an American citizen. Bruce Banner was born in Dayton, OH and is an American citizen. Reed Richards was born in Central City, CA, Susan Storm was born in Glenville, Long Island, NY, as was Jonathan Storm, and Benjamin Jacob Grimm was born in New York City, NY, and they are all four American citizens. If you want to make a case that mutants are not citizens of the United States because native-born non-human animals like cats and dogs do not get citizenship, you may have legal, albeit bigoted ground to stand on, but Spidey, Hulk and the Fantastic Four were all born citizens and will remain citizens until they voluntarily revoke their birth right, and enjoy the equal protection under the law that the 14th amendment promises them. In conclusion, if the government could revoke a natural-born American's citizenship, don't you think they would have revoked Captain America's citizenship during Civil War? Think about it.

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HOLD IT!

 

According to our records, being bitten by a cancerous spider or cosmic ray bombardment are not feasible ways to gain super human abilities. All attempts to replicate such results in a controlled environment led to reactions ranging from minor skin irritation to brain tumors, but no manifestations of the abilities demonstrated by Parker, Richards, Grimm or the Storm siblings.

Their abilities are therefore considered latent benevolent mutations triggered by a traumatic event, and thus civil rights and citizenship are not applicable to them in these circumstances, as they are not human beings.

 

TAKE THAT!

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Hold your horses, there!

 

Fortunately, the burden of proof for pre-trauma non-humanness falls on the prosecution, not on the defense. Lack of replicability of the results in similar experiments does not provide this court the authority to strip my client of his natural born citizenship right.

 

According to our records, being bitten by a cancerous spider or cosmic ray bombardment are not feasible ways to gain super human abilities. All attempts to replicate such results in a controlled environment led to reactions ranging from minor skin irritation to brain tumors, but no manifestations of the abilities demonstrated by Parker.

\

 

If it pleases the court, the defense would like to direct the jury's attention to witness #1. Miles Morales. Evidence that these results are replicable.

 

Ladies and gentleman of the court, I rest my case.

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From a friend who is currently a paralegal:

 

Ben: I don't know the precedent, but one might go research laws on half-breeds of mixed race between white and black people in the South when black people weren't considered people, e.g. if the child is part non-human how does that affects their status.

 

Alt. laws concerning forced sterilization of social reprobates (there were some of those on the books in this century).

Edited by Bindusara
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HA!

 

There is no "degree" when it comes to mutants. Though they can occasionally interbreed with actual human beings, the children of such a blasphemous union will be mutant beasts, not "half-mutants".

 

 

edit: This was written before the judge made his ruling. The prosecution will be pursuing a drunken slumber at this time, but this isn't over.

Edited by Thelogan
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Citing legal precedent from the South where blacks were legally considered non-human are moot as they are pre-14th amendment and henceforth overturned.

 

Shoukd it please the court, their are many non-Ultimate examples of instances of an irradiated spider cause meta-human powers in previously typical human subjects. Miguel O'Hara and Jessica Drew are just two examples.

 

Yeah, copying the URL of an image is a no-go on a mobile device.

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