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Avengers Vs. X-Men


Thelogan
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Wait,no. One sec...

 

 

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There we go. The new event, planned by Bendis, natch. Marvel has been sending out these little teaser images of hypothetical match ups (none of which will probably actually happen) for a bit, and I wanted to give some nerdy commentary on them.

 

I'm biased towards the X-Men, because they're fucking awesome, but I'll try to be reasonable.

 

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Magneto vs. Iron Man

Oh yeah. This is going to end well. I'm not exactly sure what kind of strange, foreign liquer Tony has been swilling, but he should probably try to go punch X-23 or something.

Wait...the guy IS a genius. Hurrrrrm.

 

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Tradionally, the Iron Man suits have a fluctuating magnetic field, which makes it hard for Magneto to "grab", but there's always plenty of shit laying around in these scenarios. Lets also ignore that Magneto has demonstrated the insanely powerful ability to rip people apart by using the iron in their bloodstream. Tony is still relying on a battery for his heart to keep him alive, and the nanobots that control the armor are in practically every cell of his body. The best he could hope for is to repulsor fuck Magneto from behind before he notices.

 

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Psylocke vs. Black Widow

Elbow to the tit. That's how all these fights should start.

Come onnnnn. This is even less fair than the last one. Two remorseless, skilled killers, one of which has psychic powers. What universe does Black Widiw take this one? Besides the ScarJo-verse, where she's much hotter.

 

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Spider-man vs. Iceman

 

Awwww shit. Now me and Panch have to fight. This is complicated, because Spidey has taken out some heavy hitters in his day. Flat out battle though, Iceman wrecks this dude. Especially after his recent new power manifestation.

Now, if he just wizzes aound on his gay little slip'nslide and shoots ice beams, Spidey gets it. If he actually USES HIS FUCKING POWERS, this is barely even a fight.

 

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Thor vs. Storm

 

C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER! I'm not even sure how Storm could do much more than severely irritate Thor. The most powerful weapon in her arsenal is lightning, and her only damage resistance is not getting cold when wind blows on her wet skin. Thor doesn't give a fuck about lightning and he isn't going to hit her with a fall breeze, so she's kinda fucked here. Eventually.

 

So yeah, basically all of these fights are really stupid. I do look forward to Wolverine fighting himself though.

 

THOUGHTS?

 

Not you, NZA, you just jelly of Iceman.

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Christ, this is convoluted even for me, where fucking everything in marvel is convoluted. Which Avengers team are they using? Is it the all-stars or just what they happen to have now? (They're all all-stars at this point I reckon anyway) Hulk's there right? Wouldn't he just SMASH the shit outta the x-men, except maybe Prof X (and Wolverine of course) whose powers I don't even know work on the Hulk. And why would they fight? Is this Civil War 2?

 

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anyhoo:

 

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Doin' wrong aren't I?

Edited by axel_napalm
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you gon get my thoughts ANYWAY

 

yeah, these look like DC vs Marvel promos: i'm open to titty-elbowing but i don't think these are the exact matchups.

also, if you're gonna keep touting Iceman's new shit-powers, you gotta remind me what issue of what to read to learn about them, or give up and spoiler tag em man. Ive got an old issue of Secret War where the half the X-Men lineup couldn't catch - much less touch - spidey, shit was crazy.

 

i'm so many months behind, having been outta comics for a bit - why's they fightin' again?

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We're talking about super hero comics here. They don't need a logical reason to fight, you've got a lot to learn.

 

As far as teams go, I was curious about which X-Men team it is (or which side of the ideological disagreement, anyway) and safely assumed it was Scott's team until the Iceman leak. Now I guess it's just mutants vs. not-mutants.

 

That's Rulk there, I assume he's going to be going against Colossonaut at some point in the near future. And yeah, Rulk wipes his ass with him.

 

NZA: I already did give 'em up in a spoiler tag, immediately following the last (and only) time I mentioned them.

Edited by Thelogan
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nah, man, you gotta pay the game - a series of misunderstandings (did Beast not do his laundry before leaving for the baseball game at Xavier's? ruh roh) leading up to a conflict, before a force even bigger than both teams requires them to set aside their petty differences and combine their powers for oh my god every crossover in the 90's

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Why are we spoiler taggin' Iceman's new powers again? Waste of a spoiler tag if you ask me. Anyways, new powers or no new powers, Spidey wins.

 

Oh and if you're waiting for an explanation... keep waitin'. Or "Panch's bias" is also an acceptable answer.

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Trolling aside (well, obvious trolling anyway), Sandman and Hydro-Man ≠ Iceman in anything but the most vague sense. Those guy's abilities pretty much boil down to being made out of another substance and being immune to tradional damage when in said form, which is where the similarities end.

To put it as simply as possible, Iceman removes the energy from atoms at an undefined range, and can manipulate those effected molecules in whatever way he chooses (including spreading his consciousness to multiple bodies. Panch is right, fuck spoiler tags).

If we're going off of base facts, Bobby could kill Peter before he would be able to get close enough to fight. This surely isn't a battle to the death, but he could still be incapacitated with relative ease. He's also recieved formal training in power usage and combat since he was a teenager. He's an omega level mutant for fuck sake.

On a logical, scientific level (yeah, I know. HAHAhahaha), this is far, FAR from a fair fight. It would be like Phoenix fighting Darkhawk.

If Iceman didn't win, it would be because he was holding back (and, in all likelyhood, that's exactly what would happen), because him and Spidey are Super Pals or whatever that awful cartoon was.

 

But yeah, Spider-Man will win because Franklin Richards likes him.

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He could kill him from a distance, but Spider-Man has an ace in thewhole there in that he can sense danger before it reaches him. I'm in agreement on the whole omega level mutant thing (I read X-Men: Forever, too) but I think you're slightly overestimating the levels to which his powers go. Hydro-Man did the whole vapor thing a couple times if memory serves and I've seen books where Sandman managed to form mirrors out of himself. Just saying, this type of enemy isn't anything new or out of the ordinary to him.

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well, you kinda hinted at it loggins - unless we're doing the "superman throws everyone into the sun", character comes into play, yeah? ive seen bobby step up to protect the x-men but not really go all out, i'm assuming they're running with "he was too scared to every fully use these powers" line or something - what conditions you think have to be present for him to use any of that new arsenal on a former friend?

 

also: what's the statute of limitations on these powers? meaning: spidey already forgot he got new powers in Disassembled, Stark shat out Extremis or something, etc - either a new writer drops them or forgets he has them long enough where it's a moot point because having a regular omega on the team kinda breaks the dynamic anyway. at what point do you accept they're gone, or has he consistently displayed them in several books now?

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Because, Jax, this isn't some weird alternate version of Iceman, or one that briefly appeared in a couple of story arcs, this is something that Iceman can easily do. Anytime. He just doesn't really do it because he's traditionally not trying to murder anyone.

 

well, you kinda hinted at it loggins - unless we're doing the "superman throws everyone into the sun", character comes into play, yeah?

 

You're right, this isn't going to be a battle to the death. It's one of those friendly tussles that these meatheads get into whenever they're bored. So, yeah, my "well, Iceman could easily kill the dude" is kind of a moot point. But he still could. Easily.

 

what conditions you think have to be present for him to use any of that new arsenal on a former friend?

 

It's not like his new power is "blow people up with ice" or anything (that's an old power). The dude can duplicate himself like Madrox, except he splinters his consciousness and directly controls each one. That could easily be used to defuse a situation. And, indeed, could lead to a quick and relatively non-violent resolution to the battle.

 

This is, of course, assuming that any of those duplicates would even be able to touch Spidey. Which they probably wouldn't. He could still entomb him in ice, but he probably wouldn't because of the danger of suffocation.

 

So, ok. Spider-Man may very well win, but that's ONLY because Iceman likes him too much to really use his full arsenal. He could end the fight in a number of ways almost instantly otherwise. Spider-Man cannot say the same thing. He is at Iceman's mercy.

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okay, time to put aside the differences between those of us that prefer Spider-Man and those of us that know what they're talking about and get to some more matchups.

 

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Hawkeye vs. Cyclops

 

Cyclops. All the fuckin' way. This shit isn't fair either, Cyclops should be going against Captain America or something, then at least I'd have something to briefly mull over.

 

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Beast vs. Luke Cage

I don't know how strong Beast is. Pretty damn, I assume. Agility is certainly a factor, but Cage is as tough as goddamn nails. Luke Cage wins.

 

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Ms. Marvel vs. Rogue

 

I don't know what's going on in Avengers anymore, is that Carol Danvers? If so, there's some history here. It's an interesting fight, because we have as close to an even match as we're likely to get. Rogue has her added mutant abilities, but it's not likely that they'll be a factor. It comes down to who's more proficient with the power set. Technically, I guess Danvers has had them for longer, but she did spend some years in that pesky coma. Rogue might have more combat hours logged at this point.

Or maybe it's someone else in the suit and it's not a factor. I really don't know how to call this one.

 

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Daredevil vs. Archangel

My first instinct was "Pfffft, Archangel", but DD is no pushover. Warren's main offense is projectiles, and DD is gonna dance around that shit all day. It's a bit of a wildcard, but I can see DD knocking the piss out of Archangel in his temple or something with a well timed baton throw.

 

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Gambit vs. Spider-Woman

Both are skilled fighters. Both have some manner of energy projection. Spider-Woman also has a lot of other shit. Gambit gets stomped.

 

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Colossus vs. Thing

Ah, I was wrong. It turned out to be Thing, not Rulk. I'm gonna break my tradition of logic here and not even talk this one out, I give it to The Thing because he wouldn't lose to someone that looks like such a douche.

 

I'm calling Wolverine vs. Cap coming soon.

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Wait wait, doesn't Warren have all kinds of over-powered Apocalypse powers while Daredevil's a really acorbatic guy who hears really well? I mean if we're talking old Angel here he sucks but can't he turn into Horseman Archangel now?

 

Also, Cyttorak > Magic Space Radiation, but you're right Colossurnaut looks like a douche so he loses (it would have been more appropriote for him to fight Rulk because I prefer all my bad ideas be grouped together)

 

Cage definitely beats Beast, Ms. Marvel (yeah, it's Danvers again) beats Rogue unless she cheats and uses her real power on her, I would normally give the win to Spiderwoman but she appears to be suffering from severe anorexia in that picture so one good hit and she'll crumple like a card table, Hawkeye vs. Cyclops is comical to the point of ridiculousness and not just because Hawkeye is waving around his bow sans arrow like some kind of fucking idiot while Cyclops is in the process of melting his face off.

 

(also I guess I missed the costume change but when did Ultimate-Hawkeye become OG Hawkeye. I know I decried the return of the old purple and pink but I really just wanted a pallet swap or some sort of fusion of his old costume with his Ronin costume. This version just looks like a trendy hair dresser.

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i like how logans rarely does the brains > brawn thing, from spidey/iceman to beast/luke cage. arent both those 2 geniuses or something?

cap vs wolvy has to happen.

 

Wait wait, doesn't Warren have all kinds of over-powered Apocalypse powers while Daredevil's a really acorbatic guy who hears really well? I mean if we're talking old Angel here he sucks but can't he turn into Horseman Archangel now?

 

he can, and so what? man, i'm not reading shit you recommend till you get onto bendis/brubaker DD.

 

yeah, that's my reason. :2T:

 

 

Also, Cyttorak > Magic Space Radiation, but you're right Colossurnaut looks like a douche so he loses (it would have been more appropriote for him to fight Rulk because I prefer all my bad ideas be grouped together)

 

are we marvel vs DCing this on popularity? cause how does Thing beat collossus with juggy powers?

 

also: awkward fight is awkward - rogue got her powers by jacking them from Danvers. that said, i wanna say Danvers has some low level cosmic shit, doesn't she? yeah.

 

spider-woman wrecks Gambit on S.H.I.E.L.D. training alone. they're both agile. it's not even close.

 

also, because i REFUSE to scroll up: when does this event go down again?

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April, I think?

 

Scientifically, Colossonaut is in a higher weight class than Thing. But he's a cunt, soooooo /shrug

 

See what I do there? How's it taste?

 

As far as brainses and brawnses, it's a negligible factor once they're already out in the mud pit punching each other silly.

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