Baytor's Horror Review Thread

[alive she cried]

the of course there's the shining that i somehow forgot about there for a second,

best horror film i've ever seen

[Iambaytor]

the of course there's the shining that i somehow forgot about there for a second,

best horror film i've ever seen

 

The Shining can lick my balls, Stanley Kubrick tore the fuck out of that story. Yes Nickleson's scary as a crazy guy, mostly because he is a crazy guy. The problem is if anybody's read the book, it's nothing like it, it misses the point entirely. It's like Natural Born Killers, a good movie in its own right, but if you've read Tarantino's story you know how much Oliver Stone tore it the fuck apart. So no, it's a fucking horrible adaptation, ranking right up there with Maximum Overdrive and The Lawnmower Man.

[The NZA]

solid review, im fucking sold. baytor, how faithful was the TV version of Shining? the one with the guy from Wings? i recall it being fairly good but kinda different.

[Iambaytor]

solid review, im fucking sold. baytor, how faithful was the TV version of Shining? the one with the guy from Wings? i recall it being fairly good but kinda different.

 

Well in overall movie quality Kubrick's was better but considering it was on a "Made for TV" budget and Mick Garris who's pretty hit or miss it was solid. They fleshed out the character and the story much better, it stuck with the book, and Steven Weber played Jack Taurrence like he should be played. Nickleson had the crazy part down but the Jack in the book was a likeable guy, you're meant to actually feel sorry for him as he's going nuts and when he eventually dies. Kubrick just made The Ammityville Horror but in a hotel instead of an old house. Stephen King prefers the TV version and so do I, if you can get past the shitty production values it really is a pretty solid film.

[alive she cried]

The Shining can lick my balls, Stanley Kubrick tore the fuck out of that story. Yes Nickleson's scary as a crazy guy, mostly because he is a crazy guy. The problem is if anybody's read the book, it's nothing like it, it misses the point entirely. It's like Natural Born Killers, a good movie in its own right, but if you've read Tarantino's story you know how much Oliver Stone tore it the fuck apart. So no, it's a fucking horrible adaptation, ranking right up there with Maximum Overdrive and The Lawnmower Man.

 

i've read the book, and i know what you mean, kubrick did cut out a lot of torrence's character depth.

but judge the movie on it's own merits, it's a five star top notch movie.

[Iambaytor]

i've read the book, and i know what you mean, kubrick did cut out a lot of torrence's character depth.

but judge the movie on it's own merits, it's a five star top notch movie.

 

On its own merits I give it 3 or 4 stars. It's a decent horror flick in its own right but it misses the point of the story it's based on and I can certainly think of several other better ones.

[La Lindsay]

man the ending of the mist was so fucked up. then again, it is stephen king so i don't know why i was expecting anything short of what went down. i was really surprised that thomas jane was so good in this, particularly in the end.

Edited March 27, 2008 by La Lindsay

[Iambaytor]

The ending in the story is a great deal different than the one in the movie, I think Darabont wrote the new ending but Stephen King greatly approves of it and so do I. I mean even the ending of Night of the Living Dead wasn't as shocking as this. And I've always known Thomas Jane can act, say what you will about The Punisher he played the part well.

[La Lindsay]

i never saw the punisher...my reference for his acting ability is pretty much deep blue sea.

[Iambaytor]

i never saw the punisher...my reference for his acting ability is pretty much deep blue sea.

 

Ah, yeah that'll do it.

[Iambaytor]

Fido

 

 

2006

 

Starring: Billy Connolly, Carrie-Ann Moss, K'Sun Ray, Henry Czerny

 

Other Actors of Note: Dylan Baker, Tim Blake Nelson

 

Plot Summary: Timmy Robinson's best friend in the whole wide world is a six-foot tall rotting zombie named Fido. But when FIDO eats the next-door neighbor, Mom and Dad hit the roof, and Timmy has to go to the ends of the earth to keep Fido a part of the family. A boy-and-his-dog movie for grown ups, "FIDO" will rip your heart out.

 

 

If the plot summary of Fido doesn't wow you, then don't feel bad. I refused to watch this movie when it came out because the plot and cover reminded me of this little shit covered gem:

 

 

However, when the excited Southerner that recommends horror films to me all but busted a nut describing the film to me I decided that it might be worth a look, watching a preview of it also confirmed that it did indeed look like it was worth at least a rent.

 

So I picked this flic up for $15, not a bad price and I've certainly paid more for worse. (See: The Dead Next Door) I popped this in not knowing what to expect and after seeing it I know it's the closest thing to an "American answer to Shaun of the Dead" that any of us are ever going to see.

 

The makings of a good zombie film involves some sort of societal subtext. Night of the Living Dead was about racism, Dawn of the Dead was about mall culture, Day of the Dead was about militaristic control, Shaun of the Dead was about the whole office drone mentality and Fido is about the stigma against immigration and traditional 50s style cultural values and it does so in a very funny way.

 

 

Fido won't have you laughing out loud often. Sure there are certain lines delivered throughout and a few jokes like the "Zomcom Heart monitor" which monitors the heartbeat of the elderly and sends an alert when they drop so that they can be dealt with, the childrens' recess consisting of target practice, and funerals now being a very expensive and hot commodity complete with "head coffins" for those who really don't want to come back.

 

But in reality Fido is about as much of a laugh out loud comedy as it is a balls to the wall horror film. Fido is at heart almost a family comedy. I don't know if I agree with the "A boy and his dog" comparrison most people make, though there is some definite parody of Lassie going on at parts.

 

There's not a great deal of gore but what little there is done fairly well and all the sets are appropriately bright, cheery, and nostalgic.

 

 

This movie is lined with B-list stars, as someone who's never found Carrie-Anne Moss particularly pretty I have to admit she does manage to play the sexy 50s-style housewife flawlessy, I didn't even recognize her until she appeared with her hair down and sans make-up partway through.

 

Billy Connelly is great as Fido, who I am telling you right now even though I love Day of the Dead he is waaaaaaaaaaay cooler than Bub. Connelly plays the part intelligently and hilariously and manages to show a lot of emotion without speaking in anything more than grunts through the course of the film.

 

Particularly of note is Tim Blake Nelson (AKA the main guy from O Brother, Where Art Thou who wasn't George Clooney or John Turturro) as Mr. Theopolis the exciteble cigarette holder smoking neighbor who looks and acts like a cross between Larry Laffer and Louis from the Revenge of the Nerds movies. Mr. Theopolis has a zombie named Tammy who he's quite obviously making dirty undead love to.

 

 

Fido far surpassed my expectations and was just an all around fun movie to watch. It's hard for me to find something to not like about it in all honesty. So I shall reward it with the score it deserves.

 

I give Fido a 5 out of 5.

[The NZA]

agreed, i felt like uh, Pleasantville met the ending of Shaun of the Dead somehow but it was grand.

 

also, i acknowledge Jane wasnt at all what went wrong with Punisher, to be fair.

[Iambaytor]

Automaton Transfusion

 

 

2006

 

Starring: Garrett Jones, Juliet Reeves, William Howard Bowman, Rowan Bousaid

 

Plot Summary:hree teens find themselves in a town over run with zombies. Deciding to fight back, they go on a punch you in the throat, action packed, non stop ride through the city, woods, and schools.

 

In the realm of horror films there have been some shockingly bad film titles. CHUD 2: Bud the CHUD, Pinata Survival Island, Return of the Living Dead Rave to the Grave, Freddy's Dead the Final Nightmare, Dr. Giggles... now Automaton joins those ranks.

 

I don't know what the title means, I don't know why they chose to call it this, I don't know what the title has to do with the movie. Never-the-less Automaton Transfusion is what it's called and I suppose they'll not have to worry about having an unoriginal name.

 

 

Despite its unfortunate name, Automaton Transfusion is actually pretty good. I've seen a lot of shit when it comes to zombie films. Most of the good ones are only decent (Dead and Breakfast, Dead Meat, Undead, Severed: Forest of the Dead) and when I find one that's actually pretty good that wasn't made by George Romero, Sam Raimi, Stuart Gordon, Don Coscarelli, or Peter Jackson it makes me terribly excited.

 

 

Automaton Transfusion is a very low budget film and it amazes me some of the things accomplished within. The gore effects are nothing short of amazing, no CGI, just old fashioned conventional effects. And the gore effects are probably some of the best achieved since Peter Jackson made Dead-Alive.

 

It's a terribly fun gorey horror film.

 

 

However it's the fun where this movie reaches a snag. It's terribly schizophrenic in its tone. On one hand we have baby eating, people being killed mercilessly. On the other hand we have lines like "Ash would be so proud" when one of the protagonists picks up a chainsaw and the aforementioned baby eating is so ridiculously done that it almost has to be inserted for gallows humor... or at least it made me laugh.

 

The plot seems to be copied from the Dean Koontz "Write your own novel" kit which involves building a good story then ruining it by revealing the whole thing is a government conspiracy. It's lazy writing when Dean Koontz does it, and it's lazy writing here.

 

Also the camera work is frantic and the video quality is a bit... I don't even know how to describe it, it's kind of fuzzy but not really. You'll understand what I'm talking about when you see it. Also the camera shoots around like a tweaking hummingbird with ADHD.

 

 

So now since I've laughed at a baby being eaten and pissed off Dean Koontz fans, people with ADHD, and hummingbird enthusiasts I should probably wrap this review up before I'm stoned in public court. The plot is really pretty good until the last 20 minutes, the characters are fleshed out and the token black guy is actually a well put together character. It's got a lot of problems but the good far outweighs the bad.

 

I give Automaton Transfusion a 4 out of 5.

[Iambaytor]

The Happening 2008

 

 

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan

 

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooery Daschel

 

Other Actors of note: John Leguizamo

 

Summary:The film revolves around a pandemic that begins in New York City, and quickly spreads across the eastern United States. The pandemic is a toxin apparently spread by the wind that has a devastating mental effect on humans. Victims that breathe the toxin become physically disoriented, exhibit loss of speech and then commit suicide by the closest means possible. Some victims kill themselves by jumping from buildings, throwing themselves into barbed wire, and driving vehicles into trees. Taken from Wikipedia

 

In the wake of 911 disaster movies have taken on a whole new tone. The Mist was about how in the face of crisis people will fall back on irrationality and superstitious belief and turn on one another and even calm rational thinking isn't even necessarily the right answer, War of the Worlds was about doing what it takes to protect those you love, Cloverfield was about going through hell to find a loved one, I Am Legend preached hope in the fasce of overwhelming odds, and Diary of the Dead spoke of some sort of outlaw heroism by showing the world the truth about what's going on through media.

 

So what's the Happening's big message? That's a very good question, I think it has to do with overpopulation or us destroying the environment or some such noise.

 

Honey, I think I see your personality over there. Nah, I won't be needing it for THIS movie.

 

The film opens in New York Central Park where two women are sitting on a bench reading a book, suddenly everyone freezes in place, some of them begin walking backward. As one friend stares in bewilderment the other pulls a large pin from her hair and jams it into her neck. The scene then flashes to a construction site where people begin jumping off the roof in droves. The scene is particularly haunting and well done.

 

So now we flash to Philadelphia where we meet our protagonist Elliot, a high school science teacher who is bewildered by the disappearing honeybees all over the world. Shortly after some exposition he's called out of his classroom to the auditorium where he's briefed by Principal That-Guy-Who-Played-Cameron-in-Ferris-Bueller (Alan Ruck) that a terrorist attack has just happened and they're closing school.

 

From this point on Elliot, his wife Alma (played by real life mannequin Zooey Daschanel), Julian (John Leguizamo), and his daughter Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez) get on a train out of Philadelphia. The train stops in a small town abruptly and the crew finds out they're in the middle of the strike zone and speed away to get out.

 

Pictured: The man with no balls, the girl with no voice, and the woman with no soul.

 

So now let's go on to performances. This shouldn't take long because there's only 3 worth nothing.

 

I'm sure by now you've all heard about how bad Mark Wahlberg is in this movie. Not true. The character Elliot is a dweeb, a HUGE dweeb and Wahlberg plays the part brilliantly. The thing is, since it's Mark Wahlberg we're expecting a lantern jawed deep voiced man's hero like Thomas Jane in the Mist. But whereas Jane played and "everyman", Wahlberg's more of a "that guy." He plays the character as it should be played, but even in that he's a bit weak.

 

John Leguizamo is the only one who appears to remember good acting and what it's like. The problem is he only has maybe 15 minutes of screen time. (But I assure you, those 15 minutes are much appreciated )

 

And now Zooey Daschanel. You may remember her from the movie Big Trouble adapted from the Dave Barry novel and starring Tim Allen and Ben Foster. She played the monotone sarcastic teenage daughter, and while I commended her for her monotone voice and general dull acting in Big Trouble, I wasn't aware that that was all she could do.

 

Zooey (cause I'm not going to keep typing Daschanel) is the most horrible actor in this movie. The only emotion she seems to be able to show is to either give a blank stare or smile, her voice never gives the impression of anything, she delivers her lines in a cold robotic way. I swear, GLADoS was a more convincing human being. There's even a scene where she confronts Leguizamo's daughter (who doesn't speak for the majority of the movie) and says "We're not so different you and I, I don't like to show emotion either." Which is very true, she must fucking hate it more than racism and the holocaust.

 

 

Having watched this movie and seen that it has an R rating I'm not sure why. Since language and nudity are out as I think Whalberg says fuck once and the nudest you see anyone is an old lady in a nightgown it would have to be on violence. But here's the deal, there's very little of it. The deaths are fairly clean, sure there's a bit of blood but not much. The needle in the neck is bloodless, bodies falling from the sky and flying through the windshield of a car aren't shown, people shooting themselves in the head is heard but not seen followed by them dropping to the ground with a neat little hole in their forehead. The infamous lawnmower death only shows a bit of blood spraying out the side before cutting away and the only gorey death in the film where a zookeeper feeds both his arms to lions pulls away when the first arm is torn off and then shows the second one being pulled off and quickly cuts away again. I didn't find this particularly any ballsier than anything done in The Sixth Sense, perhaps since it's living people it's a bit more traumatizing but not a great deal. Children's deaths are implied but I don't ever recall seeing one corpse under 20. The closest thing we have is woman's teenage daughter heard committing suicide on a speaker phone as well as two dumb teenagers who get shot breaking into a house both of whose deaths show very little.

 

The story is also a bit wonky. This whole thing branches around the bees disappearing but The Happening only seems to affect human beings as in several scenes dogs are shown unaffected which is strange considering it's an airborne toxin, and even the well put together theories within the film of the plants putting out the toxin leave a lot unexplained.

 

There's a lot of loose plot lines, many characters die before they seem to meet their potential and most of the movie is just a bunch of people running away from the wind. The Happening appears to be more about shock and spectacle than actual storytelling, it's reminiscent of Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds in this way. Even the usual Shyamalan twist is less of a twist and more of a "I ran out of ideas, so I'm gonna do this now"

 

 

The Happening's key problem seems to be that it doesn't go anywhere and we're not made to love the characters, we're just along for the ride. It's bland and slow like much of Shyamalan's other films but it does a better job of keeping interest than say Signs, The Village, or Lady in the Water did. It's not great but it's still watchable and somewhat enjoyable.

 

I give the Happening a 3 out of 5, it's worth a rent.

[The NZA]

so yeah, since Sen never saw Event Horizon, we had a field day with that one - sucked cause we watched Sunshine like a night or two later and it really hurt by comparison.

 

Occurred to me she also hasnt seen Jacob's Ladder, so i went and got that one too. Watching bits of it again, there's one scene in particular that its hard not to point to and say holy shit, this is where Silent Hill came from, but nonetheless, it made me realize something about horror and its sub-genres.

 

going by wiki, im apparently a huge fan of such psychological horror, as well as lovecraftian - id easily say Mist fits the bill, though i wonder where supernatural shit lies? For instance, also grabbed the director's cut of the Excorcist (LL swears she read that part 3 was worth seeing, which is a hard sell since 2 sucked so hard), im not sure if supernatural is its own thing or if it fits into that.

 

Went on a Hellraiser fest last week of 1 & 2, still trying to find 3. Gorefests alone wont keep me interested for too terribly long, but the concept of hell fits the supernatural shit i just mentioned, however cheesy and 80s in its execution. shame i was just reading the retelling of part 1 ditched Clive Barker's script, that cant be a good sign.

 

but im wondering if that shit goes more under monster flicks somehow, like uh, my love of zombie films, especially well done ones like REC (props again on that one). Anyway, kind of all over the place here but the most id realized was that i wasnt heavy into splatter films and could give much of a fuck about "horror of personality" films where the villain is unmasked & shown to be human after doing their deeds, which conjures up the image of bad Scream sequels and I Know What you Did shit.

 

also, i just realized, i dont know that ive ever seen a david cronenberg film.

[Iambaytor]

Yeah I heard the same thing on Excorcist 3. The only reason I can gather that it might be good is that like part 1 and unlike part 2, Exorcist 3 is based on William Peter Blatty's writing, from what I understand it was based on another book of his that centered around a similar idea and may or may not have been connected (I haven't gotten around to watching the movie or looking for the book yet so I couldn't tell you)

 

And yes Lovecraftian horror is usally pretty good, the Mist was a perfect example of that and I'm fairly certain that more than a little of Silent Hill came from that story and I know it served as the basis of inspiration for Half-Life. But as for other movies of that type John Carpenter's In the Mouth of Madness starring Sam Neill reads like a love letter to H.P. Lovecraft and Prince of Darkness is one of his most under-rated movies (as well as what many call his last great film), then of course there's the Phantasm series which is a bit confusing to say the least as it jumps around and forces your suspension of disbelief but over the years I've come to think that's just been to make it more of a mindfuck, and Lucky McKee's The Woods is pretty good supernatural film.

 

Hellraiser the series kinda starts going downhill after part 2. Part 3 is by no means bad, the atmosphere fits but its where the series starts touting Pinhead as the main villain and one particular scene where Pinhead and his new Cenobites go after the heroin seems like something out of a Terminator film. And to be terribly honest, Clive Barker's a fairly mediocre writer, he's got a lot of great ideas but he lacks good execution of them.

 

Splatter films have their moments you just have to be able to find the good ones. I still suggest Peter Jackson's Dead-Alive (Braindead for those not in the states) to anyone and everyone who's even moderately interested in horror. I think you would probably like H.P. Lovecraft's Re-Animator starring Jeffrey Combs, it's pretty much nothing like Lovecraft's story but even hardcore Lovecraft fans don't care.

 

Also Italian Horror may or may not be for you. It's okay but it seems to prioratize style over substance which can be a bit of a downside many times. But Lucio Fulci's The Beyond, Dario Argentino's Suspiria, and some others like that are fairly good though the effects are cheaply done and the acting is not so great. (Also be of note that a lot of hardcore fans play Fulci and Argentino to be masters of the genre, they really just make extremely artsy fartsy splatter flicks most of the time to be honest)

 

And what I just said about Lucio Fulci and Dario Argentino goes especially for David Croenberg. The Fly with Jeff Goldblum was a pretty well-made movie, and Scanners with Michael Ironside was halfway decent, but beyond that I haven't found a single thing by him I liked, I've watched Videodrome tons of times and I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on.

[The NZA]

Yeah I heard the same thing on Excorcist 3. The only reason I can gather that it might be good is that like part 1 and unlike part 2, Exorcist 3 is based on William Peter Blatty's writing, from what I understand it was based on another book of his that centered around a similar idea and may or may not have been connected (I haven't gotten around to watching the movie or looking for the book yet so I couldn't tell you)

 

alright, well, one of us has to find this and try it out, then.

im gonna try out those 2 carpenter ones you mentioned. I enjoyed Vampires a bit (ended too quick), but The Thing makes me want to check out more of his works.

 

Re-animator's been on my list for a while, i know you swore by Dead-Alive so that's there too. I'm just slower to move on those than good psych horror i guess.

 

Also Italian Horror may or may not be for you. It's okay but it seems to prioratize style over substance which can be a bit of a downside many times. But Lucio Fulci's The Beyond, Dario Argentino's Suspiria, and some others like that are fairly good though the effects are cheaply done and the acting is not so great. (Also be of note that a lot of hardcore fans play Fulci and Argentino to be masters of the genre, they really just make extremely artsy fartsy splatter flicks most of the time to be honest)

 

not familiar with em, but again, after REC im open to internatoinal horror beyond asian. again, i know they werent popular, but LL got me into Jaume Balagueró's films, of which i only saw Darkness (no one else seemed to dig this one as much as i did) and The Fragile, either id recommend if youve not seen em. Id like to see more like that, wanted to see what this guy was up to...but yeah, did you review either of those 2 eye-talian ones on your blog or here?

[Iambaytor]

No, I could get up a review fairly quickly, they're neither of them very special. I mean Demons is no better but at least it had a scene that involved a guy on a dirtbike riding through a movie theater full of zombies demons with a katana.

[La Lindsay]

Eli and I just finished The Strangers last night and aside from the last ridiculous 2 minutes of the film that didn't fit, i thought it was a pretty decent psychological horror film. has anyone else seen it?

[Iambaytor]

I was going to see it when it first came out but being the son of a poor black sharecropper got in the way of that and by the time it hit the dollar theater I didn't care anymore. It's on my download list but I've not gotten around to it yet.

[The NZA]

alright, baytor. so, timecrimes wasnt giving functional subtitles, and id had a few drinks, and i wanted to honor our prior agreement. so, i watched dead-alive, which i was happy to find was actually braindead, the original version, as i understand it. here goes.

 

around halfway through the flick, and the 3rd whisky and coke, this got interesting. this was more uh, army of darkness cheese than, say, willard, but enjoyable in its ridiculousness. im told the re-animator has it beat for gore, but fuck if it didnt try by its later bits -

the toilet scene was something, the blender and lawn mower scenes made dead rising look softcore, and ill be fucked if i couldnt decide who i wanted to die more, the baby or the uncle. mind you, i was in a special mood already, and the stereotypcial latina, pacquita, was already reminding me too much of senshik/kertins to not root for her - i was so ready to quit if she died, heh. that said, this was fun, and defined b-horror...id seen a small bit of part 2, so i knew dude'd make it out, but having seen this now, the awful ending to House of the Dead: Overkill clearly bit from this. just...crazy shit.

 

 

also, i might be off, you know way more b-rated shit than i, clearly, but...did crispin glover cameo here, or was that just me? anyway, movie debt paid in full, sir.

[Lycaon]

No fucking mention of that priest? Show some love, man (or at least some hate).

[Iambaytor]

alright, baytor. so, timecrimes wasnt giving functional subtitles, and id had a few drinks, and i wanted to honor our prior agreement. so, i watched dead-alive, which i was happy to find was actually braindead, the original version, as i understand it. here goes.

 

around halfway through the flick, and the 3rd whisky and coke, this got interesting. this was more uh, army of darkness cheese than, say, willard, but enjoyable in its ridiculousness. im told the re-animator has it beat for gore, but fuck if it didnt try by its later bits -

the toilet scene was something, the blender and lawn mower scenes made dead rising look softcore, and ill be fucked if i couldnt decide who i wanted to die more, the baby or the uncle. mind you, i was in a special mood already, and the stereotypcial latina, pacquita, was already reminding me too much of senshik/kertins to not root for her - i was so ready to quit if she died, heh. that said, this was fun, and defined b-horror...id seen a small bit of part 2, so i knew dude'd make it out, but having seen this now, the awful ending to House of the Dead: Overkill clearly bit from this. just...crazy shit.

 

 

also, i might be off, you know way more b-rated shit than i, clearly, but...did crispin glover cameo here, or was that just me? anyway, movie debt paid in full, sir.

 

Nothing beats Dead-Alive for gore, it actually holds a world record that the combined efforts of the Japanese and the Italians have yet to be able to beat. Re-Animator is a damn gorey film but it doesn't even come close. I don't think Cripsin Glover appeared anywhere. Also, Paquita was hot.

[The NZA]

No fucking mention of that priest? Show some love, man (or at least some hate).

 

i so meant to say "I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!" was about the film's finest line.

[Iambaytor]

There just was not enough of that priest in the movie. In the ultra long cut of the movie you actually get to see his and the nurse's ultimate fate. They both get impaled on a broomstick and start doing it on the stairs before Lionel makes a pass with the mower.

 

But now that you've seen it don't you think King Kong would have been a much better movie if instead of a giant ape they would've just found a sumatran rat monkey?