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Stuff White People Like


Iambaytor
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Toast, white people love the everloving Christ out of toast. Why some times I'm rolling with my crackers and we're hungry so we roll up to the Price Chopper and buy us a couple loaves of wonder bread then we toast that shit and eat it with country crock spread cause it has lower fat than regular butter and spreads much more easily from its convenient tub (which when we're done with we wash out and keep screws in)

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man, its just that this site is awesome.

 

mos def, michel gondry, standing still at concerts, knowing what's best for poor people, japan, dogs, a tribe called quest, traveling, art degrees, irony, public radio, arrested development, daily show/colbert, asian girls, wes anderson movies, obama, diversity, religions your parents dont like, the list goes on and nails a lotta ground.

 

 

To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life.

 

yes. yes it truly is.

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They hit the things correctly but the reasons are a bit skewed. For example they think we like Arrested Development because it's "not mainstream" when in reality we like it because it's funny.

 

Also they think we like Sarah Silverman, I know two people who like Sarah Silverman. One because she wants to have dirty lesbian sex with her and the other one is Ross who doesn't count. Also apparently whoever wrote this forgot that Dave Chappel and Carlos Mencia exist. And personally I don't like BET comics because 99% of them are trying too hard to fuck Richard Pryor's stiff corpse to be funny.

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i agree with alla that, tho i dig silverman every once in a while.

and yeah, they ran with the mainstream/indie thing there too; hell, idve been quite pleased to see arrested development get love from the masses.

 

id have to look at the list again, but there's a few that're just stereotyping in more of (what i guess to be) a new england direction, but a few that were spot on. the "hating the parents" section was awesome, especially that pic.

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Yeah it's skewed to New England, I'm from the Midwest so a lot don't apply. Like when "she?" says that the school setting in Juno wasn't realistic my only thought was "Yeah I think I saw one person who wasn't white, they shouldn't be there then it's a midwest school" Seriously even the token black kid was white in my school.

 

Also: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/...move-to-canada/ spot on.

Edited by Iambaytor
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Candles. Women especially but I've seen plenty of men who appear to be stocking up for the apocalypse, a seance, or a gay night in listening to their Michael Bolton cassette whilst sitting in a bathtub full of bubbles reading a Tom Clancy novel.

 

Also take note of Michael Bolton and Tom Clancy, though Clancy's less for "white people" and more for "boring lunatics"

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I cannot let this thread die. Some of my favorites so far:

 

If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, acceptable things to say include “I’m really into tea right now,” or “my favorite thing is to get a nice cup of tea and curl up in a chair with a good book.” But do not remind them about the role of colonialism in tea, it will make them feel sad.

 

White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they’ve seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture.

 

White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask them about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and you will be unable to gain their trust.
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  • 1 month later...
#89 Saint Patrick’s Day

 

March 16, 2008 by clander

 

 

Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.

 

On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.

 

It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.

 

Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.

 

A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”

 

It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”

 

This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.

 

It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.

 

Nick, I now realize how important being Irish is to you and how insensitive I've been. You are NOT 'white now'. You are a part of a long line of oppressed people, and I empathize witht he pain you must feel every day.

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