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If Marvel/DC drafted you to write one book...


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Power Pack - It would take place in a dystopian future where Mass Master has learned to extend his powers of molecular density manipulation outside of just himself, and subsequently killed anyone that could challenge him and took over the world. Energizer is imprisoned on the moon and is being forced to use her powers of converting matter into raw energy to provide energy for the entire planet. Blah blah, someone is raped, someone dies, I just want to do something fucked up with the Power Pack.

 

The Hulk - Having unsuccessfully tried to kill himself multiple times, only to end up hulking out as a defense mechanism, Banner is living in a trailer out in the desert with a new junkie girlfriend (who has no idea he's the Hulk) and is addicted to heroin. He doesn't leave the house, she just goes out to get their fix. He spends all of his time shooting up and meditating. He barely eats, just waiting to slowly die from starvation/smack, hoping every fix will be the one that kills him.

Junkie girl gets irritated with how boring he's become and secretly brings him a mixture of ecstasy and coke one day instead of smack, in an attempt to get him excited and have a fun night. It doesn't turn out how she expected.

A nude Hulk goes on a stimulant fueled rampage in Las Vegas, eating and raping anyone in his path. Nick Fury ends up dropping in armed with 3 minutes of multi billion dollar impenetrable energy shielding, some reflex enhancing drugs and a syringe filled with something that will damper gamma irradiated cells for a short time. He goes to to toe with the hulk for a bit and jabs the needle in his eye. Hulk reverts to banner, who vomits up all of the partially digested people that no longer fit in his stomach. He's understandably distraught.

Nick sits down next to him on the roof. They talk a little about responsibility. Fury explains that he has it as well, to his country. He offers Banner a cigar, which he refuses at first. Fury keeps it extended and there's a moment of silence as they hold eye contact. Banner takes the cigar and looks down, Fury lights it.

Fury tells banner that they don't know what to do with him. He understands that Bruce is a good man, and that Hulk has done his part for the world. They can't lock him up because there's no measurable limit to his strength, he'll eventually break out of whatever they put him in. They can't ship him into space because it could spark an intergalactic incident (plot hole one of Planet Hulk, btw. All those smart guys would never allow that to happen). Banner is just weeping and smoking his cigar. Fury slaps him on the shoulder, gives a little reassuring smile and says "We'll think of something". He stands up and walks behind Banner. There's a click, Banner's eyes flash green. Fury blows his head off.

"Fury here. We need a clean up crew. Get me the hell out of here."

 

Ultimate Impossible Man - He would kill the entire universe again, but he would feel bad about it and replace all the dead super heroes with his children, brainwashed into forgetting that they're popupians. Everything would then continue as normal, except everyone would be green and purple.

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aw, see, i wasnt buying fury being the one to go toe-to-toe with Hulk (even with your expensive shields), but the ending tied it together. started out a bit like The End, ended more like Punishver vs marvel U...not bad. personally, ive no idea what to do with diesel characters like the Hulk, so Pak basically making him a gladiator of his own continuity in Planet Hulk struck me as both brilliant, and well timed given that he needed to be off the board for Civil War.

 

i thought I had some good Punisher stories, but Ennis showed me that can run its course even on its own. plus i end up ripping off some good ones i like from the old marvel double-shots or whatever that was.

 

likewise with the Hulk/pak comments, i like to think i could actually formulate an interesting Surfer/Namor/Aquaman/etc story by all but entirely removing them from their respective universes, but it'd likely end on some introspective bullshit no one's trying to read. again, i commend Pak for finding an alternate setting so perfect for Hulk, it seems like someone should've come up with it years ago. Aquaman/Namor should have something interesting to tell with their vast kingdoms, but i have to go to Hellboy to find a cool sea mythology story every time.

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