Thelogan Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 ok im addicted. ive read this site everyday for like a week. Me too. It's become my late night right-before-bedtime-mildly-drunken ritual, I sit ad read them aloud to my girlfriend and we laugh at the misfortune of others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the division of joy Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Heh, glad i can bring the joy of other peoples misery into your lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Hightower Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!". That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML IF you sir were a Hondonian, you'd be my FHD! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archangel Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 How do we know for sure that was neither Crim nor 2Track? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aartemys Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Alas, I am also addicted to this... Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML And with that, I will end this post because I will continue over and over and over again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hakujin Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 This thread reeks of schadenfreude. I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML Serves her right. And I gotta say a lot of them that I have read seem made-up. Still entertaining nonetheless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Here's one I think should be on FML. I was watching Fox News just now (gotta know your enemy) and they interviewed two people who had bought a small shitty condo (#4 apparently), they were given the keys to #5 which is by their own words "about twice as big, has a fireplace and a balcony" and they've lived there for 6 months and spent $30,000 dollars renovating it. They apparently just now realized they were living in the wrong condo. FTL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpunkyMonkey Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 too winded, they like to choose ones that flow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Today while looking over my finance records I realized that I was living in the wrong Condo, which I've spent $30,000 renovating....FML better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hakujin Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML Worst one yet: Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpunkyMonkey Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Today while looking over my finance records I realized that I was living in the wrong Condo, which I've spent $30,000 renovating....FML better? PERFECT! SUBMIT IT, LOL They put that stupid nickelback one but not mine... grrr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpunkyMonkey Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Today, my mom had my girlfriend and I over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmothers wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I got pissed off at my girlfriend, so I e-mailed naked pictures of her to everyone she knows. Now I'm being charged with distribution of child pornography. FML. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpunkyMonkey Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML Smartest fucker ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archangel Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML that had to have been a mom who wrote that, cos a dad would have been so damned proud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpunkyMonkey Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML Reminds me of 90sKid... you didn't write that, did you man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML I like how it was specified that the girl was nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetalHeart Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 A few gems I read today, lol. Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML Today, I receved a parking ticket for $150 from my husband who is a police officer and who aparently can't remember licence plate numbers. FML Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boogie Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I love this some much!! Like i love the WTF text messages that MH posted somewhere... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetalHeart Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Texts From Last Night! I'll make a thread for it. <33 I'm glad that you like them too! They always crack me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boogie Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML I love these.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetalHeart Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 hahaha oh wow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hakujin Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Today, I receved a parking ticket for $150 from my husband who is a police officer and who aparently can't remember licence plate numbers. FML MH: consider the lulz broughten. So full of win. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetalHeart Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 MH: consider the lulz broughten. So full of win. Hehe, yay!! That one is really funny. I mean, even if you can't remember the license plate, can't you remember what the inside/outside of your car looks like?! haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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