Thelogan Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Personally, when flipping through a gaming magazine I usually find myself inextricably drawn to really bad reviews. The worst reviews tend to be the most entertaining to me, I figured I'd start a thread to share. I'm sure some of you have been unfortunate enough to have been tricked into playing some unplayable drech a few times or merely read about them and sighed with dismay. Lets make fun of them. That's funny to me. I'll pop the cherry with a recent one: Shellshock 2: Blood Trails Metacritic score: 32 From May issue of OXM There is absolutely nothing in Shellshock 2 to suggest it was made in the last 10 years. Visually, it's dull and lifeless; the same goes for the gameplay. But let's get straight to the biggest problem - the gunplay doesn't sit together properly. Your pistol is more effective than your machine gun. You're firing at enemies you can't see (the Vietcong) or at enemies who stand on your toes clawing at you until one of you dies (the infected). You can't tell what weapon you have or what you're picking up, and wait, zombies in a Vietnam game? WTF! Throw in a bunch of quick-time events, terrible voice acting, and some of the worst A.I. we've ever seen, and Shellshock 2 is shockingly bad. VERDICT: 2.0 OXM UK is slightly funnier Say this was the year 2000, you had just bought a PS2, you had never played a videogame before and heating up a microwave lasagne for one was as much technology as you had even been involved with. Then Shellshock 2: Blood Trails might have been impressive. Sadly, this is the year 2009. The era of BioShock, Halo and Call of Duty. A brave new world of innovation, atmosphere and drama. You can even play multiplayer! Against other people! Who aren't even in the same room! Rebellion... the developer ...would claw at the screen in fear if they witnessed such powerful medieval magic being played out before their disbelieving eyes, before throwing their HDTV into the nearest river to see if it floats. I figured this game was shit right off the bat, despite the presence of zombies. I'll put it on the short list of "Things Logan was Right About". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jables Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Fattie twister is so fucking hot. As long as you start last, there's no physical way you can hurt yourself. Extreme fatty twister is going first, but I get asthma sometimes so I leave it be for the most part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Well fuck me, I was actually looking forward to this game... LUX PAIN for Nintendo DS(i) Metacritic Score: 40 GamePro: The premise, when paraphrased, is an interesting one and as a huge fan of last year's Time Hollow and any good mystery in general, I'm always willing to sit through any amount of text if it provides a means to an end, or at the very least, something somewhat cohesive. Lux-Pain fails on both accounts, serving as a poorly thrown together, somewhat interactive novel that really doesn't know what it wants to be - or, if it does know, it certainly doesn't want to be a game. IGN: Lux-Pain sports a slick anime art style, which is quickly overshadowed by inane seek-and-find gameplay and a baffling story. This is a very strange choice of game for Ignition to localize. I love all the Phoenix Wright games, and Time Hollow was good, and I gotta say I don't mind if a game is more reading than playing, especially ones like this, I am just kind of torn on whether to buy it now or not... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 The general consensus on GameFAQs is that a lot of the problems with Lux Pain are a product of really bad localization. Might just be a niche demographic that really gets something out of it (like yourself), if that's the case then general reviews won't do it proper justice. It does seem to have a few fans on the board. Still, those are some pretty bad scores floatin' around. Gamepro even admitted that they really liked Time Hollow and are willing to sit through text, and they still hated on it. My advice: Approach with extreme caution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 The general consensus on GameFAQs is that a lot of the problems with Lux Pain are a product of really bad localization. Might just be a niche demographic that really gets something out of it (like yourself), if that's the case then general reviews won't do it proper justice. It does seem to have a few fans on the board.Still, those are some pretty bad scores floatin' around. Gamepro even admitted that they really liked Time Hollow and are willing to sit through text, and they still hated on it. My advice: Approach with extreme caution. It just sucks I can't check out DS games from work...maybe I will wait until there is a used copy that way i can return it if it is indeed horrible, not in a good way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 It just sucks I can't check out DS games from work...maybe I will wait until there is a used copy that way i can return it if it is indeed horrible, not in a good way That's downright weird that you can't check out DS games, any idea what their reasoning is behind that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 That's downright weird that you can't check out DS games, any idea what their reasoning is behind that? Erasing the save game data, some games don't let you do that, so if you check out a new game and return and then someone else buys it thinking its new and it has some save game on it, well we're fucked Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 (edited) Erasing the save game data, some games don't let you do that, so if you check out a new game and return and then someone else buys it thinking its new and it has some save game on it, well we're fucked Ah, that makes sense. Ever since I learned of this checking out business at your establishment, I refuse to buy a "new" game that isn't shrink wrapped with the seals on it. They tried to give me an unwrapped copy of Matt Hazard, I turned it down and demanded a copy that was actually new. It's the principle of the thing, you know? Though I wouldn't be surprised if you guys have a whole box of seals in the back, I know you have a shrink wrapping machine. Edited April 6, 2009 by Thelogan Prime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Ah, that makes sense. Ever since I learned of this checking out business at your establishment, I refuse to buy a "new" game that isn't shrink wrapped with the seals on it. They tried to give me an unwrapped copy of Matt Hazard, I turned it down and demanded a copy that was actually new. It's the principle of the thing, you know? Though I wouldn't be surprised if you guys have a whole box of seals in the back, I know you have a shrink wrapping machine. Yeah but our shrink wrap machine uses that cheap thin plastic...and I keep telling you just because it is not shrink wrapped or sealed DOESN'T mean it has been checked out. Sometime we have to gut (take the disc out) and put the case on the shelves because we don't have another case for it, not necessarily checked out. I don't care if you do but I don't want someone thinking that an un-shrinkwrapped game has been used. In MOST cases it hasn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 (edited) Here's a little gem from Seanbaby, the only thing I really miss about the now departed Electronic Gaming Monthly.Puppy Luv: Spa and Resort Nintendo DS Gameplay: 1 out of 10 You're in charge of a pet salon in Puppy Luv, only it's less exciting than that. Sometimes you click a button to feed a cat and he eats, and other times you get a minigame where you guess what kind of food it wants and then guess again if you're wrong. It's like a sick prank by destiny if you're to ever cross paths with this game.Graphics: 1 out of 10 If you had no formal art training and you used your computer mouse to draw a dog in Microsoft Paint, these graphics would be your fourth or fifth attempt. Some onlookers might decide that they see a dog, but only if you wrote "dog" next to it and they had a masters degree in dog identification. What's amazing is that neither - and I said neither - of the drawings in this game are animated. Who was the speed freak who decided they needed to get a game about cat shampoo out so quickly that they didn't have time to do a third pet drawing? Sound: 1 out of 10 Throughout the course of your first and only play session, you'll wash, feed, and groom pets. Which means these lazy idiots had to come up with a total of three sound effects or music cues. They didn't. Puppy Luv is like a rough draft for the worst concept ever. It's such unfinished garbage that they could've just sold me a Post-it note that said "Stupid Idea" and I'd hate it exactly the same. I'd demand an apology if I thought the sloppy bastards could finish one. Cuteness: You can't wash ugly off. The only supplies this evil pet salon should stock are a shotgun and a mop. Misspelling in title: Yes Interestingly, IGN actually kind of liked this game. Baffling. Yeah but our shrink wrap machine uses that cheap thin plastic...and I keep telling you just because it is not shrink wrapped or sealed DOESN'T mean it has been checked out. Sometime we have to gut (take the disc out) and put the case on the shelves because we don't have another case for it, not necessarily checked out. I don't care if you do but I don't want someone thinking that an un-shrinkwrapped game has been used. In MOST cases it hasn't. That's lame, they should just send you guys inserts.You're still some unscrupulous bastards as far as I'm concerned. Edited April 6, 2009 by Thelogan Prime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 (edited) Which brings me to an amazing little thing I saw the other day during a trade in.... Some one brought in a copy of My Little Baby for the DS...which traded in for MORE than the copy of Oblivion GOTY Edition they brought in...I hate my job....also My Little Baby is made by Southpeak, who brought you another lovely title by the name of Two Worlds... Edited April 6, 2009 by Mortiis558 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing pc Metacritic score: 8 Thunderbolt review In the end, Big Rigs is only good as a joke. If you hate someone, and I mean HATE someone, give them this game as a gift, in the hopes that they’ll play it, because that way you can say to them, “haha, you’re an idiot who plays Big Rigs!” I wish I could think of some redeeming factors for the game, but there simply aren’t any. There isn’t even a manual! The game is just that bad. Then there's the race. As I've stated before, you're supposed to be hauling cargo in a race (which for some tracks is a lap...meaning you never deliver the cargo ANYWAY.) a la All American 18 Wheeler. But your truck never gets a cargo attachment. (Unless you choose one of the two models that have it attached.) You're just racing the cab. Apparently, all the extra weight does a little something to the truck's top speed and acceleration because your opponent NEVER MOVES. Even if you try to get behind him and push him to the finish line, that's no good...because you clip right through him...and everything else in the game. Mountains, trucks stops, signposts. None of them exist. It's like you're in some sort of wacky alternate future timeline, and you're trying to get back home. You may as well just run over everything in your path... They don't exist, right?! But seriously...clipping through mountains? That means that you can take every curve by just ramming your truck straight on through like it was being driven with the force of John Henry's hammer. The awesome "YOU'RE WINNER!" screens that pop up after your no-contest victory over the guy who actually delivers his cargo not only doesn't make any sense, but it teaches kids of today a bad lesson. Don't play fair, cheat, and on top of that, don't do your job. Hell, don't even learn good grammar, because at the end of the day, you're still going to collect the trophy. "So long, Productive Suckers! I'm calling it a day, and you'll just have to haul my cargo tomorrow!" The malevolent mental patients at Stellar Stone, TS Entertainment, and GameMill Publishing are all to blame for this horrid mess. If you see their names on ANYTHING in the near or distant future don't buy it. Ask why your local store is degrading its shelf space with such garbage. Call up the publishers of the titles next to copies of the game and ask, "Do you know that your game sits right next to the worst game ever pressed at (store X)?" WTF! There isn't any clipping! I would forgive this if it was called "Kitty Pryde's Big Rig Adventure". I like how hills and terrain play absolutely no factor in your acceleration. Sweet sassy molassy, this looks so laughably bad... ...I must own it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortiis558 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing pc Metacritic score: 8 Thunderbolt review <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value=" name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src=" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object> WTF! There isn't any clipping! I would forgive this if it was called "Kitty Pryde's Big Rig Adventure". I like how hills and terrain play absolutely no factor in your acceleration. Sweet sassy molassy, this looks so laughably bad... ...I must own it. If you can actually find a copy let me know, i wanna play it too, maybe its been pirated Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 aw, man. i can tell you my 2 favorites from the last 2 gens at least. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-am cant be bad from the title, right? it felt like a bad tech demo. Metacritic: 37 on a good day. Tail of the Sun At the height of ps1 japanese quirky goodness (i was all on Parappa's nuts), Dieheard Gamefan sold me on "the greatest caveman simulator ever! your people will discover fire, then religion." no, they fucking won't. theyll explore a bumpy, small map of no more than 5 colors and do dumb shit like fall asleep while fighting a mastodon. This game was so bad, metacritic denies it existed. also, how did PS2 launch title Summoner get a fucking 76? it was so bad, the font often made the text unreadable. i traded it the next day for Shenmue, still the best economic decision ive yet made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 (edited) I kinda liked Summoner, once I got past it's obvious flaws. I think I was just RPG starved at the time. I did REALLY like the fact that you could wear a ring on each finger, I never got how most games limited me to 2 at the most. Shit, if magic rings existed I'd be stackin' 'em up like Hal Jordan gone crazy. My hands would spark as they dragged the floor, covered in rings of exotic metals. Tail of the Sun At the height of ps1 japanese quirky goodness (i was all on Parappa's nuts), Dieheard Gamefan sold me on "the greatest caveman simulator ever! your people will discover fire, then religion." no, they fucking won't. theyll explore a bumpy, small map of no more than 5 colors and do dumb shit like fall asleep while fighting a mastodon. This game was so bad, metacritic denies it existed. I'd never heard of this game. It looks really cool on paper too, though it clearly isn't cool at all. "The greatest caveman simulator ever"? What the hell could they be comparing it too, all those other caveman simulator games? I don't exactly remember my NES being flooded with caveman games (Caveman Games being the happy exception). Solid move, Nick. At least Shenmue properly simulated the world of capsule toy collecting. Edited April 7, 2009 by Thelogan Prime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 yeah, Gamefan's glossy pages made shit look good. i still never get Shenmue being on any bad lists, i adored that shit. oh, here's another good one: Aero the Acrobat. standard genesis/SNES platformer in the mid-90s when that was the genre of choice (like FPS now), but it was so awful. controls were not good, the music basically stayed the same for all 99 levels (as i read it, cause id quit by 7 or so) and the enemy design thought it was trendy to stay the same. But the fucking game was on the cover of Gamepro, EGM etc with high marks. i was grateful for fanzines back then that told me to pass on it and focus on Valis 3 instead. funny thing is, the 2 page ads were filled with text and i was bored one day at DJ Ario X's house and read the whole thing, and halfway through the text read "if you are reading this, send a letter to (sunsoft or whoever) for your free copy" and i did, and lo and behold, six weeks later, i had a free game! i dont usually bitch about a free meal, mind you, but i think the stamp i used meant more to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newtype Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 Every Bubsy game ever made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 aw, man. i enjoyed the first bubsy SNES game, it was alright. bubsy 3-D however was so bad, it took away from previously stated enjoyment of the SNES one. the worst hit detection in a 3-D game, coupled with about 5 repeating soundbytes. ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 (edited) I was tricked into renting Aero the Acrobat. I don't have pleasant memories of the experience. Here's one I actually bought... Superman 64 What an atrocity this was. Why the fuck should I have to worry about being killed be ordinary thugs with handguns? I THOUGHT I WAS BUYING A SUPERMAN GAME! And in order to use any of my trademark powers, I've gotta collect powerups? Really? Really? The controls somehow manage to be both unresponsive and over responsive, which has to set a new standard in paradoxical awfullness. The game starts with Superman trapped in Lex Luthor's virtual world. And you can tell Lex Luthor made it because only a genius super villain could make a world so expertly horrible and boring. This game might as well be called Puppy Dog Obedience School, because Superman doesn't get to do anything heroic. You spend almost the entire game performing whatever demeaning tricks that Lex Luthor demands. It's the classic villain plot "Make Superman fly through 75 hula hoops in one minute or die!" followed by the evil plan "Make Superman fly through 75 MORE hula hoops in one minute or again... die!" SPOILER ALERT! Level 2 is "Retrieving Lex's Slippers" and Level 3 is "Learning to Shit on the Paper." The whole sinister plot of forcing Superman to do tricks has got to be embarrassing for Lex. When Lex visits the super villain club, I know Dr. Doom makes fun of him. "I recently vaporized the defenses at Fort Knox and removed the gold with an orbital magnet ray. Did you mastermind that scheme to get those giant hoops flown through yet? Ha ha ha ha ha!" Graphics: 1/10 Superman looks a lot like a flying log in panties, and the entire world is covered in a dull green fog. The game calls this "Kryptonite fog," but it looks suspiciously like something they put there so they didn't have to draw more than a couple buildings. Fun: 0/10 Superman has about 300 different super powers, including the ability to see panties through women's clothing, and the only one the game thought to include was his fantastic ability to fly through hoops. It would have been more fun if they made a game about Superman window shopping with Aquaman. Realism: 9/10 This game exactly recreates the pain you'd feel if you really were Superman being tortured in a virtual world filled with radioactive poisonous gas. Above: Superman is forced to carry a car through rings. If only I had the genius criminal mind of Lex Luthor necessary to enjoy it. At least it's not another fucking real estate scheme. Edited April 8, 2009 by Thelogan Prime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 Ready 2 Rumble Revolution for the Wii Metacritic score: 36 I've heard nothing but bad things about this game. A bit of a bummer for fans of the Dreamcast. GameInformer is a shit mag full of filthy whore, but here's what they had to say nonetheless. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d encounter a game so thoroughly terrible. Where do I even start? The racial stereotypes? The positively broken controls? The revolting art design? Ready 2 Rumble sucks in every conceivable way. The controls rely almost completely on remote and nunchuk swings that are so similar that the Wii cannot keep track of what you want to do with any consistency. Pulling back on both is supposed to initiate a backwards dodge, and maybe once every five times it actually works. The rest of the time your character lets loose a flurry of random punches. Harder hits require you to pull back your arm first and then punch forward, but most of the time the backwards motion triggers a weak punch that cancels the wind-up. This is just a small slice of the complete mess. Of course, the AI has no problem blocking and countering most of what you dish out (on purpose or accidentally). If your opponent’s Rumble meter fills up it’s basically curtains unless you can run away until the round timer runs out. The career mode is the crowning achievement in this massive train wreck. You start out with a created character who is somehow even less responsive than the default hideous celebrity parodies and offensive racial stereotypes. I chose punch power as my fighter’s specialty. Not only was he still a weak piece of crap, he moved like he was wading through a pool of Jell-O and became tired after a single punch. Sure you can try to power this bastard up in training minigames, but the motion sensing is flat out broken on all but two of these. Try to match up movements to onscreen arrows in jump roping and jogging and you’ll wonder if your remote batteries are dead. Then when you inevitably fail most of these training sessions, your stats get even worse and you’re expected to fight progressively tougher opponents. It’s like Satan is beta testing Ready 2 Rumble: Revolution on Earth for its prolonged tenure in hell. They gave it a 1. Who will win the most offensively racist caricature competition? Not that I have a problem with racist caricatures in games. Shit, some games could use some more of them. But whattabout this? "I'm extreme and what have you." "That's whack bra. That don't amuse me, I'm like making videogames now and stuff. You people are ripping off my mad style. I got lawyers" "You're both ripping me off! Hey I've got Jimmy Swaggart's bible here, look there's a centerfold! Anybody? Jimmy Swaggart? You people don't understand comedy." "You're all soulless ginger freaks!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keth Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 silent hill homecoming: Cunt faced monsters and skinless dogs.... just another day in the neighborhood apparently. I think questions need to be raised when your hometown is overcome with strange fog and your little bro goes missing. "Hey ma! Wheres the crowbar? I gotta take care o' this critter in the basement that looks like a pussy with claws." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jables Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 yeah, Gamefan's glossy pages made shit look good. i still never get Shenmue being on any bad lists, i adored that shit. oh, here's another good one: Aero the Acrobat. standard genesis/SNES platformer in the mid-90s when that was the genre of choice (like FPS now), but it was so awful. controls were not good, the music basically stayed the same for all 99 levels (as i read it, cause id quit by 7 or so) and the enemy design thought it was trendy to stay the same.But the fucking game was on the cover of Gamepro, EGM etc with high marks. i was grateful for fanzines back then that told me to pass on it and focus on Valis 3 instead. funny thing is, the 2 page ads were filled with text and i was bored one day at DJ Ario X's house and read the whole thing, and halfway through the text read "if you are reading this, send a letter to (sunsoft or whoever) for your free copy" and i did, and lo and behold, six weeks later, i had a free game!i dont usually bitch about a free meal, mind you, but i think the stamp i used meant more to me. You shut your fucking mouth about Aero the Acrobat. that game was misunderstood goldsilent hill homecoming: Cunt faced monsters and skinless dogs.... just another day in the neighborhood apparently. I think questions need to be raised when your hometown is overcome with strange fog and your little bro goes missing. "Hey ma! Wheres the crowbar? I gotta take care o' this critter in the basement that looks like a pussy with claws." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 "Hmm. I don't remember on of these being here last time I was in town." "Well how about that. I guess I'll kill this with my knife." "I wonder what mom's making for dinner. I hope it's chicken and dumplings. Mmm." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keth Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 ^^ HAHAHA the lack of camera inversion was also pretty retarded. that opton ought to be standard by now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 ...what? SH: Homecoming didnt have ideal controls, but like RE4, it was better than the system it had before. if you want a free-roaming action game, SH might not be the series youre looking for...i personally thought that game was underrated and took far too much shit about being from a western dev from folks who didnt play it, but eh, to each either own, man. also, yeah, and skeet, that game was platfomring shit amongst shitty platformers. Bubsy felt new & innovative after i played that game, seriously man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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