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Hondo's Bar

Blargh - The Random Thread


The NZA

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Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

Can't sleep...The clowns will get me.

whitley06.jpg

Edited by newtype
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So I've a co-worker who I refer to as nothin' but the fat stinker(or the stinkin' fatty, context-dependant) and she strides into my office asking what I think of the fact that her partner is having a beer with her dad. I told her I could think of only one reason that would happen. She thought I intended that her fella's the old-school type that'd ask her father's blessing for matrimoney, but I actually meant if it was me, I'd take the guy out for a beer, finish the beer, break the bottle in his face & stab him repeatedly in the testicles with the broken bottleneck. Now to me, this serves the dual purpose of punishing the fuck for raising a daughter to have such poor hygiene, like Simple Plan(without the 'artistic' nor 'photogenic' merit of being emo), be a kiss-arse, maintain an incredibly simple demeanour while still coming off as crafty, and also prevents the randy, sour-milk-smelling motherfucker from siring something else of equal, if not of greater poor taste. Ecchh. Sometimes I wish I could steralize people by staring hard at them.

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Robot career counsellor: What did you have in mind?

Boy: I've always wanted to do cattering...

Robot career counsellor: There will no jobs for humans in cattering in the future. Only robots!

Boy : Does that include cattering in hotels?

Robot career counsellor: Err...Yes!

Boy : Well the other thing I thought was engineering...

Robot career counsellor: There will be no jobs for humans in the future. Only robots!

prints out a brochure

Robot career counsellor: This will explain it all! Now leave!

Boy : Thank you, sir.

Robot career counsellor: I am a robot!

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Ever seen that tacky commercial on cartoon network late, late at night? The Bling it On thingie that lets you make stickers and shit for your cell phone out of faux gems... Well, I went to Hawk last Sat to get my radio done. They sell Cingular there also and when I walked past a display, I noticed all these cell phones done up in wanna-be bling cutsie type crap that girls go crazy for and a little placard underneath advertising whatever product it is that made it possible.

 

I almost lost it. Ridiculous.

 

This has got to be because of the neighborhood I live in. (I'm not going to say anything further. Except, I wouldn't be surprised if the dentists and jewlery stores in the vicinity started collaborating to sell 'grills' )

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man, you leave for like a day and half, and this place blows up. i love it.

 

but what i really, really need is a pic of any one of us spraypainting "Hondo's Bar' somewhere. anywhere. this place needs graf art representation to keep its street credibility.

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Totally and Utterly true:

 

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

 

Next,

 

if your Maps-co is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.

 

If in Denton County and your Maps-co is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete.

 

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.

 

Dallas has its own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray."

 

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas.

 

We all drive like that.

 

All directions start with,

"Get on Belt-line".

 

Which has no beginning and no end.

 

(It REALLY DOESN'T!!!)

 

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10.

 

The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7.

 

Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

 

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

 

When you are the first one on the starting line,

count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

 

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

 

We had sooo much fun with that we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

 

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase,

"Oh, we're in Fort Worth!"

 

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on,

it is probably a factory defect.

 

Car horns are actually "Road Rage"

indicators - and remember,it's legal to be armed in Texas.

 

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.

 

Period.

 

And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

 

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane,Josie Lane, 15'th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections

 

(these are only a FEW examples).

 

The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave,Ave K, and Highway 5.

 

It ends in Sherman.

 

The North Dallas Toll-Way is our daily version of NASCAR.

 

The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85.

 

Anything less is considered downright sissy.

 

It also ends in Sherman.

 

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

 

If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

 

If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed...

 

and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

 

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!

 

A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours,

although many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75.

 

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway.

 

Don't let this confuse you.

 

LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and"trap."

 

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

 

If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

 

If It has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it's Spring)

 

and it is the Texas State Fair if it's Fall.

 

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park.

 

Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

 

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

 

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

 

Final Warning:

 

 

 

Don't Mess With Texas Drivers ... remember,

 

 

 

it's legal to be armed in Texas

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