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Nanno

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Posts posted by Nanno

    Blargh - The Random Thread

    in Sensible Chuckle

    Posted

    TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER

     

    BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

     

    Dear Mr. Thatcher

     

    I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,

    and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard

    Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horse

    riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up

    and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature

    has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only

    company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be

    aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month

    knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

     

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered

    from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the

    month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal

    forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from

    now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband

    likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the

    human body amazing?

     

    As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt

    seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your

    customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know

    about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our

    intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely

    realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my

    friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's

    testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he

    thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

     

    Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK

    is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings

    me to the reason for my letter.

     

    Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to

    reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi

    pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

    "Have a Happy Period."

     

    Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?

     

    What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain

    really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is

    possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above

    sound the least bit pleasurable?

     

    Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak

    girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you

    have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in

    your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed

    with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze

    of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just

    have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more

    sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the

    Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? - Or are you just

    picking on us?

     

    Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective

    immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have

    chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will

    certainly miss your

    Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of

    condescending bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

     

    Best,

     

    Wendi Aarons

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