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LAPPEENRANTA, Finland — Hermaphrodite Caster Semenya, the middle-distance runner who came under investigation on her/his gender in 2009 after winning gold in the women’s 800 meter at the World Championship in Athletics, made her/his return to the track Wednesday, winning the Women’s 800 at Lappeenranta Games by a tiny penis. “This was a photo finish,” said second-place finisher Mari Jarvenpaa of Finland. “And that woman or man or man-woman or whatever beat my by her tiny little penis. I don’t see how that’s fair. I mean if I had a tiny penis that protruded as I ran, maybe my penis would have won. But women aren’t supposed to win by penises.” Retired sprinter Michael Johnson defended Semenya’s narrow victory. “The saying is ‘win by a nose.’ Now I know she literally did win by a penis, but for you people to use that is just reinforcing these offenses to her human rights.” Jarvenpaa continued. “You’d think there’d be some eyebrows raised when her last name has the word ‘semen’ in it. But no, let her win because people actually might buy tickets to this freak show.” Semenya commented. “Next time I’ll tuck in my tiny penis. But you’ll never stop my manly testosterone from flowing through my veins. Bwahahahahaha!”
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