TulipO Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 A kid who used to babysit for my sister and I wrote this little passage to the Cape Cod Potato Chip company. I got a kick out of it. He also harasses credit card companies in a similar manner, but I've yet to get my hands on one of those. Hope everyone is amused. Hello Cape Cod Chips, Chips Chips Chips Chips, Chips Chips Chips Chips! I love your chips! No meal is complete without your crispety-crunchety chips. Our whole family is cuckoo over your sumptuous snacks. My father invented the first, and only, Cape Cod Chip Omelet. My mother (you can call her "Momsy") made a Christmas wreath entirely out of your Sea Salt and Vinegar chips. We had to take it down though because our yard was populated with rabid squirrels. It doesn't sound like much of a problem when you consider there are Animal Control Specialists in our town that will "destroy" these rodents. At first I thought it was just the chip-wreath they were after, but they ended up carrying away my 14 month old niece. A couple of the squirrels' henchmen scribbled "put out more chips, get the girl back" in the snow on our front walk. Well, I certainly don't want to bother you with our negotiations. How do I love your chips? Let me count the ways: 1. I love eating your chips in the shower. Since they are so crunchy, they can be used as a loufer. I would not recommend scrubbing the nether regions with your chips. The word "chafe" comes to mind. 2. Your chips can be dipped into almost anything. Bean dip, sour cream and onion, crabmeat dip, you name it. My friend, and fellow employee John once put Arm and Hammer Carpet Freshener on your chips!! I remember because he dropped to the ground like a stone and kept shouting "WATER! WATER!!" It almost looked like he was poisoned by strychnine, you know, pale face, frothing of the mouth, etc. The rest of us laughed and laughed. Then we took John's wallet and went out for pizzas. Don't you think the Arm n' Hammer people should but some kind of warning that says "Don't Eat This" on their factory sealed packaging? 3. I love giving your Chips as a gift. Look, let me tell you something about weddings and the gifts that are supposed to go along with them. Happy young couples will say to me, "Eric, we're registered at Crate and Barrel." I always say "Yeah, well you should have registered at Cumberland Farms." I'm not going to spend $170 on a stainless steel blender for someone that will most likely never invite me over to their house. Instead, I'll send along 8 bags of assorted Cape Cod Chips. I once sent 24 bags to Ricardo Montelbaun and his fifth bride, Tina, at their honeymoon in Maui. On the note, it said simply "Ricky, for you, chips. Love, Enrico" (That's what he calls me. Don't Latino men have such a way with words?) He ended up returning the favor on my birthday, but not in chips. Instead he sent 4 "escorts" to my house for my 25th. No one was happier than my father. Finally, some questions for you. Please be precise with your responses: 1. I hate to mention your opposition in this letter. Cape Cod Chips are the only chips as far as I'm concerned. Fritos taste like monkey shfinky. I was eating, and not enjoying, a bag of "Wow" chips, made by "Lay's." Did you know, on the back of these "low fat" chips, there is a warning that says something to the effect of "Olean (oil) may cause anal leakage"?? Quite frankly, my reaction was "HOLY SHIT", and I NEVER swear. I hope the Good Lord can forgive me, 1, that I said that word, and 2, that I put it in this letter where I could spread filth to other people. Will you forgive me? As for the "leakage", sure, I want to watch my figure as much as the next beer drinking guy, but, not if I have to pay the price by waking up in bed like I'm on a "Slip n' Slide." 2. There are 15 other people in my office that I have hooked onto your chips. We are hoping to start up a Softball team this spring and were hoping you could send us some shirts (XL). Only 11 of us will be taking the field, so if you wanted to number the first 11 shirts I think that would be a show of courtesy that I could never repay. Although, there was a one-month period when I was on a self-imposed hunger strike, and I noticed your stock dropped 2 points. Who knew? Anyway, the other 4 people are not athletic, if not downright obese, so they will be doing brainless chores like handing out water and tapping kegs. Maybe you could make those 4 shirts XXL? Finally, if you would like some suggestions on future chip flavors, or if you ever need help with your books, please do not hesitate to call me. I have been working on a new chip flavor called "Eric D's Wild Rancho!" I am thinking about sending you the recipe for these "hot chips" but in return you would need to put my picture on the front of the bag. In one hand, I'm holding a shotgun, and in the other, a bottle of Tabasco. A couple of my teeth are blackened out and I'm wearing a straw hat. I think with my marketing genius, and your resources (access to millions of potatoes, kettles, packaging, shipping, etc.), we can catapult Cape Cod Chips into the upper echelon of snacks sold in the "Old South." You could literally put the single word "chips" under "Ingredients" on the back of your bag, and those hee-haws would never know the difference. Southerners were born to be duped! I'm looking forward to receiving those shirts, but more importantly, I'm all "chipped up" about the opportunity to work with you. I guess all we have left to talk about is salary. I love you, Eric M. Davis p.s. The "M" stands for "Meringue", so don't think for a minute that I can't dance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.