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A kid who used to babysit for my sister and I wrote this little passage to the Cape Cod Potato Chip company. I got a kick out of it. He also harasses credit card companies in a similar manner, but I've yet to get my hands on one of those. Hope everyone is amused.


Hello Cape Cod Chips,


Chips Chips Chips Chips, Chips Chips Chips Chips! I love your chips! No

meal is complete without your crispety-crunchety chips. Our whole family is

cuckoo over your sumptuous snacks. My father invented the first, and only,

Cape Cod Chip Omelet. My mother (you can call her "Momsy") made a Christmas

wreath entirely out of your Sea Salt and Vinegar chips. We had to take it

down though because our yard was populated with rabid squirrels. It doesn't

sound like much of a problem when you consider there are Animal Control

Specialists in our town that will "destroy" these rodents. At first I

thought it was just the chip-wreath they were after, but they ended up

carrying away my 14 month old niece. A couple of the squirrels' henchmen

scribbled "put out more chips, get the girl back" in the snow on our front

walk. Well, I certainly don't want to bother you with our negotiations.

How do I love your chips? Let me count the ways:

1. I love eating your chips in the shower. Since they are so crunchy,

they can be used as a loufer. I would not recommend scrubbing the nether

regions with your chips. The word "chafe" comes to mind.

2. Your chips can be dipped into almost anything. Bean dip, sour cream

and onion, crabmeat dip, you name it. My friend, and fellow employee John

once put Arm and Hammer Carpet Freshener on your chips!! I remember because

he dropped to the ground like a stone and kept shouting "WATER! WATER!!" It

almost looked like he was poisoned by strychnine, you know, pale face,

frothing of the mouth, etc. The rest of us laughed and laughed. Then we

took John's wallet and went out for pizzas. Don't you think the Arm n'

Hammer people should but some kind of warning that says "Don't Eat This" on

their factory sealed packaging?

3. I love giving your Chips as a gift. Look, let me tell you something

about weddings and the gifts that are supposed to go along with them. Happy

young couples will say to me, "Eric, we're registered at Crate and Barrel."

I always say "Yeah, well you should have registered at Cumberland Farms."

I'm not going to spend $170 on a stainless steel blender for someone that

will most likely never invite me over to their house. Instead, I'll send

along 8 bags of assorted Cape Cod Chips. I once sent 24 bags to Ricardo

Montelbaun and his fifth bride, Tina, at their honeymoon in Maui. On the

note, it said simply "Ricky, for you, chips. Love, Enrico" (That's what he

calls me. Don't Latino men have such a way with words?) He ended up

returning the favor on my birthday, but not in chips. Instead he sent 4

"escorts" to my house for my 25th. No one was happier than my father.


Finally, some questions for you. Please be precise with your responses:

1. I hate to mention your opposition in this letter. Cape Cod Chips are

the only chips as far as I'm concerned. Fritos taste like monkey shfinky.

I was eating, and not enjoying, a bag of "Wow" chips, made by "Lay's." Did

you know, on the back of these "low fat" chips, there is a warning that says

something to the effect of "Olean (oil) may cause anal leakage"?? Quite

frankly, my reaction was "HOLY SHIT", and I NEVER swear. I hope the Good

Lord can forgive me, 1, that I said that word, and 2, that I put it in this

letter where I could spread filth to other people. Will you forgive me? As

for the "leakage", sure, I want to watch my figure as much as the next beer

drinking guy, but, not if I have to pay the price by waking up in bed like

I'm on a "Slip n' Slide."

2. There are 15 other people in my office that I have hooked onto your

chips. We are hoping to start up a Softball team this spring and were

hoping you could send us some shirts (XL). Only 11 of us will be taking the

field, so if you wanted to number the first 11 shirts I think that would be

a show of courtesy that I could never repay. Although, there was a

one-month period when I was on a self-imposed hunger strike, and I noticed

your stock dropped 2 points. Who knew? Anyway, the other 4 people are not

athletic, if not downright obese, so they will be doing brainless chores

like handing out water and tapping kegs. Maybe you could make those 4

shirts XXL?


Finally, if you would like some suggestions on future chip flavors, or if

you ever need help with your books, please do not hesitate to call me. I

have been working on a new chip flavor called "Eric D's Wild Rancho!" I am

thinking about sending you the recipe for these "hot chips" but in return

you would need to put my picture on the front of the bag. In one hand, I'm

holding a shotgun, and in the other, a bottle of Tabasco. A couple of my

teeth are blackened out and I'm wearing a straw hat. I think with my

marketing genius, and your resources (access to millions of potatoes,

kettles, packaging, shipping, etc.), we can catapult Cape Cod Chips into the

upper echelon of snacks sold in the "Old South." You could literally put

the single word "chips" under "Ingredients" on the back of your bag, and

those hee-haws would never know the difference. Southerners were born to be



I'm looking forward to receiving those shirts, but more importantly, I'm

all "chipped up" about the opportunity to work with you. I guess all we

have left to talk about is salary.


I love you,

Eric M. Davis

p.s. The "M" stands for "Meringue", so don't think for a minute that I

can't dance.

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  • 4 weeks later...

HA! I posted this forever ago! And no one cared then :D


Heh, yeah Eric actually sent this to Cape Cod Chips. He was probably about 26 when he did this, he's probably about 31 or 32 by now. He was working as tech support for Gateway at the time, and consequently had A LOT of time on his hands. Damn, I wish I had access to his communications with Master Card...those are even funnier

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