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Casablanca Remake

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Don't worry, this isn't really happening yet. But with all the remakes on the screen lately, it almost seems like it's only a matter of time. A few months back a nasty rumor went around that a Casablanca remake was being made, and that Ben Affleck and J-Lo were looking to star. Thank christ that was just a rumor, with no truth whatsoever (so they say). But if there was a Casablanca remake - and I'm not saying there should be - but if there was, what cast would you choose in a desperate attempt to make it not suck? Just thought it might be fun. First, how about a rundown of the original cast and characters.


Rick Blaine - Humphrey Bogart



Ilsa Lund - Ingrid Bergman



Victor Laszlo - Paul Henreid



Captain Louis Renault - Claude Rains



Major Heinrich Strasser - Conrad Veidt



Sam - Dooley Wilson



Signor Ferrari - Sydney Greenstreet



Signor Ugarte - Peter Lorre


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Now, my perfect cast?


Rick Blaine - George Clooney. In my opinion, only one actor today could play this role even close to as good as Bogey played it. And even the most heterosexual of us guys will admit he looks damn good in a suit.



Ilsa Lund - Julia Ormond. If they were to remake Casablanca, the studio would probably be stupid enough to give the role of Ilsa to an American actress, when one of the things that make the original so great was the multi-national cast. It added to the setting. My pick would be a British actress.



Victor Laszlo - Liam Neeson/Jude Law. I'm torn on this one. I haven't decided whether I want to use an older actor or a younger actor, but either one of these two would be perfect.




Captain Louis Renault - François Berléand. Most American audiences know him as the police inspector in The Transporter...well, the few people that actually saw The Transporter do, anyway. It'd be nice to get an actual French actor in the role, and he would be perfect if he worked on his English a little better.

(No pic yet)


Major Heinrech Strasser - Jason Isaacs. Hey, no one can play a bad guy like Isaacs. Though I'd be tempted to use Jeremy Irons instead.



Sam - Queen Latifah. Here's the one that people would hate me for. But at one point the filmmakers really did want Sam to be a black woman. Many even regret changing it back to a man. Now, I personally think Queen Latifah is being too heavily marketed right now, thanks to Chicago, but unlike most of the other million roles she's linked to, this one would fit her nicely.



Signor Ferarri - Robbie Coltrane. Hey, this role is almost identical to the role Coltrane played in the Bond movies (except in Bond, he was Russian). Then there's the fact that he looks so much like the character.



Signor Ugarte - Steve Buscemi. The easiest casting choice. Only one man could play a character this weasley.


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Casablanca has been remade by hollywood like 4 or 5 time already, each time a complete failure, both artisically and financially. The only good remake of Casablanca ever made was







The fact is, whetehr it's fair or not, all remakes or well known works are judges compared tot he original, and I wouldn't wish being compared to Casablanca on any movie. Casablanca is just such a good movie, on a completely non-pretenious film snob way. The only way to make a Casablanca remake is to spoof it, like Carrotblanca. Because Casablanca is too good to be improved on, but not too good to be spoofed.


PS Tweety as Ugarte = Fucking brilliance!

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Especially when he did the evil Peter Lorre laugh. I kinda liked Yosemite Sam as Major Pandemonium.

Pandemonium: "Now where are those papers, you dinner jacket wearin' varmint!"

Bugs (with a rolled up newspaper): "Paper? You want this paper? Here's the paper, boy! Go get it! Get the paper!"



But dammit, I know it couldn't be remade into a good movie, but work with me here. 'S a what-if, meant to stir some creative juices.

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