Feisty Grandpa

Heck and tarnation! My drug addict of a niece is on my back again. "Why don't you review some new films?" she scowled. "No one is interested in your descriptions of Hoot Gibson westerns you half-remember from sixty years ago," she saucily replied. Well, I can take a hint. So what've I done? Only gone and seen some of the most recent hottest releases, that's what. CEREMONIOUS INTENTIONS ® Am I missing something or what? This was showing on that new-fangled pay-per-view. So I set that crazy VCR to catch it and I got to bed. When I wake up, what I got is about half-an-hour of static, and then a Matlock episode that looked mighty familiar to me. In fact, I could swear I watched it just last week! How does Hollywood expect to get away with this? My niece told me I "set the VCR wrong." I told her to stop doing so many drugs! 21ST CENTURY CARWASH (PG-13) I noticed this playing in a drive-in near where I get sandwiches, so I went there the other day. Boy-oh-boy, that whole experience has changed. I went into a tunnel where there was all kinds of soap and brushes kept splashing all over my car. It was realistic, I guess, but where was the great acting? Three thumbs down! My niece told me I'd "gone to a real car wash by mistake." "I'm not the one doing all the drugs!" I told her feistily. RAPTORS IN THE RAFTERS ® Well, I wanted to show Queen Fancy-Pants I'm not scared of your new super-thrillers, and my heart ain't neither! So I actually went to see this in the brand new super-megaplex! That's right! But it was just another stinker. The noisetrack features a lotta screechings and screamings and hissings, and yellings and shoutings, with plenty of blowings-up. But the picture part weren't like that at all! It was just a bunch of greasy, slack-jawed moron people, staring into space while most of them ate in a disgusting, noisy fashion. Ten thumbs down! My niece told me I'd been "facing the wrong direction." I decided to show her-I called the police, and reported her for using drugs! Awwww, chicken-spit! Looks like a just died of some old person disease and won't ever be able to type in this here computin' box ever again. I would like to say that it's been fun, but it's been real confusing and made me sweat a lot. Remember me.