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LEGION (2010)

STARRING: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki, Charles S. Dutton, Jon Tenney, Kevin Durand, Willa Holland, Kate Walsh, Dennis Quaid

WRITTEN BY: Scott Stewart and Peter Schink

DIRECTED BY: Scott Stewart



Legion starts off hardcore. That dude from The Da Vinci Code is an angel that arrives on Earth. He goes to this place with loads of guns. Then some cops are driving down the road. One of them kinda looks like Tiger Woods. When they make "Tiger Woods XXX: A Porno Parody" they should get him 'cause he looks well like him and also he has a really good screen presence and could easily carry his own skin-flick. Anyway, the two cops are looking at all the brazzers and the junkies and the blacks (I like to think that Tiger 2.0 thinks of himself more as asian and doesn't have time for the dark side) and they're really annoyed. Then FUCKING EXPLOSION! WHAT THE FUCK??! HOLY SHIT!!! They pull over and walking through a hole in the wall shaped like a cross with TONS OF GUNS is that dude from The Da Vinci Code. The cops are gonna shoot him, but then Da Vinci Code grabs Tiger Woods XXX and then the other cop TURNS INTO A FUCKING DEMON WITH SHARK TEETH and shoots Tiger Woods XXX and then Da Vinci Code kicks his ass and steals their cop car. Oh, also Da Vinci Code cuts off his wings but that was before he found the gun place.


Actually, I forgot - it starts off at the end of the film and it's kinda like T2. Proper Sarah Connor who's who we meet next and she's all pregnant and shit having smokes and generally not giving a fuck. There's a guy from Tokyo Drift who wants to fuck her even though she's pregnant. She's a bit of a whore but he loves her or at least is saying so because he wants to fuck her. That's actually a pretty good move. A shit one would be to have a cheeky one night stand with her and in the moment come out with a 'I love you' which is a shocking move altogether. You'll just freak her out and end up finishing yourself off in the bathroom through the saltiest of tears.


Tokyo Drift's old man is Dennis Quaid who runs a roadside diner where Sarah Connor works. As does Charles S. Dutton who has a hook for a hand. There's a family there too. Mom, Dad and slut daughter who wears sexy clothes and says something about how she dresses that way so truckers will double-team her to her dad. Their car broke down and Tokyo Drift is supposed to be fixing it but he's making a crib for Sarah Connors baby. Then Tyrese arrives looking to make a phone call and he meets Sarah Connor who's outside having a smoke and he scabs one off her.


Then this nice old lady gets there but she's not really nice SHE HAS SHARK TEETH!!! FUCK!!! She's all like fuck you cunts and then bites off the dad's neck and CRAWLS ON THE FUCKING CELING (DID I JUST SEE THAT? YES I DID) but Tyrese SHOOTS THAT BITCH UP. So they hop in a car to bring the dad to the hospital I think but there's a big swarm of flies so they have to drive back to the diner. Then Da Vinci Code shows up all come with me if you want to live but they don't actually go anywhere. God is pissed off with humans but he was like 'Fuck you God - I have faith in humankind' and came to Earth to fight the other angels that God were sending to kill all the humans. At least I think that's what's happening, either way it's hardcore and they have SHARK TEETH like the ice-cream man that shows up and gets a big mouth and long arms and legs and shit kinda like Wizard of Oz or something and then Da Vinci Code breaks out the guns and they SHOOT THE ALMIGHTY SHIT out of that motherfuck.


Lots of cars arrive full of rockers but they BLAST THE FUCK out of them too and then Da Vinci Code breaks it that he's here to protect Sarah Connors baby. Now everybody is dead except for Da Vinci Code, Sarah Connor, Tokyo Drift and Dennis Quaid. Then the Angel Gabriel arrives and I think kills Quaid first or maybe Da Vinci Code. Oh yeah and Sarah Connor had the baby a few minutes ago and her and Tokyo Drift drive off with the baby in Da Vinci Code's stolen cop car. So Angel Gabriel kills Da Vinci Code and you think he's won but QUAID AIN'T DEAD YET BABY! He breaks out the lighter that reminds him of what a bitch his ex-wife was and then puts on the oven or some shit and KKKKAAAAAABBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Mega-explosion.


Tokyo Drift and Sarah Connor and the baby are driving into the sunset but FUCK! GABRIEL IS STILL IN DA HOUSE! LOOK THE FUCK OUT!!! Too late - SMASH! He flips their car, or actually I think he gets on top of the car and Tokyo Drift hits the breaks and Gabriel goes flying off the roof. The cop cars flipped but their okay and they climb a mountain but COCK-A-DOODLE-ANUS GABRIEL IS BACK AND IS HE EVER PISSED OFF!!!!!! Shit, they're fucked....oh.....oh....oh...NOT! IT'S DA VINCI CODE BACK FROM THE DEAD AND HE KILLS GABRIEL! Oh, fuck no - no he doesn't - he can but he doesn't and then that's when Gabriel sees that people are alright and then the two guys fly back to heaven and Tokyo Drift, Sarah Connor and her bastard child live happily ever after.


I highly recommend this film to everyone.


Things I forgot:


- Gabriel has hardcore BULLET-PROOF WINGS


- When Tokyo Drift was driving away near the end I forgot what I was watching and was disappointed when Vin Diesel didn't ride up along him but then some extreme angel action happened and I was back in Legion-zone.


- You can google Barack Obama phone number all you want but you're likely to come up with shit. I'm trying to get in touch with him as I think he should have a screening at the White House. Project it on the side of it perhaps? It'll be like Woodrow Wilson's 'History written in lightning' shit but more hip and unconditionally loved by commie pinkos all over the world.


I would give Legion 10 Stars out of a possible 10 Stars




* the 11th one is an asterix

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  • 2 weeks later...

I watched LEGION tonight based solely on this glowingly awesome review and found it to not live up to the hype. I hate to cast my suspicions an a man as noble as Mr. Sheen, but I'm beginning to wonder if that post of his wasn't meant to be sarcastic in tone. I know, sarcasm here is as unlikely as Joel having "Obama" written on his ass, but I just can't shake the feeling Mr. Sheen is up to some sort of tomfoolery in that review...

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  • 3 weeks later...


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