Stupid Comics

[Thelogan]

So I found this website.

Stupid Comics

 

It's chock full of hilarity, so I'm going to be randomly grabbing and reposting bits from it as I go through them all, in addition to any other sequential stupidity I may stumble across.

 

I encourage anyone else to do the same. Topic title says it all, really. JZA, if you post Watchmen I will fucking end you.

 

I'm starting with Cosmic Steller Rebelers, because I'm almost certain I've seen it before.

 

We continue our journey through the wonders of the '80s with this, the second issue of COSMIC STELLER (sic) REBELERS (sic), the comic that asks what would happen if big-nosed, antennea'd aliens came to Earth fleeing fanged, muscular dog-men from the planet Mongell.

 

It's always a treat to see artwork somebody really took their time on. When your pencilling needs work, the obvious solution is to just ink the heck out of it, right? And the Craft-Tint Paper ™ effects really... sort of... make everything... grey.

I'm not an anatomy expert or anything, but shit like this drives me nuts.

 

Both the Rebelers (sic) and the Mongells have exaggerated overly muscled bodies. Stiff poses and weird perspective don't help make things readable. Luckily the miracle of Craft-Tint Paper ™ helps to obscure every flaw.

I haven't heard the term barf bag since I was 8. I encourage you all to prepare to be called it fairly often staaaaartiiiiiing...NOW.

 

Our human hero Bruce is a super cool dude who has helmet hair, ripped abs, ever-present sunglasses, a bitchin' van, and a great job as... a janitor, which proves that you can only push your wish-fulfillment self-insertion characters so far.

 

Here's a handy tip; any household afro wig makes aliens "narley" (sic) and "scarrier" (sic), especially when applied by Miss Chica Low-Rider 1987.

 

The precarious state of race relations in the late Reagan era is highlighted by this tragic exchange, where a hydrocephalic, ripped freak must counsel caution to his Afro-wigged alien compatriot, because they are trespassing in an area dominated by "another ethnic group". "Another ethnic group"? You mean, people WITHOUT freakishly large heads, who might take off their sunglasses every once in a while?

 

Who knew that the eternal questions of mankind would be answered in a cheap black and white comic book starring aliens and giant-headed sunglass men?

 

And with powerful revelations shattering all our preconcieved notions about God, time, and the nature of existence, COSMIC STELLER (sic) REBELERS (sic) ends. The big question I have is, how was Hammac Publications (of Maine) able to create this precisely distilled essence of sophomore math notebook doodles? This comic looks like an entire semester's worth of study hall, embellished with just a tiny, tiny touch of Craft-Tint Paper ™. Craft-Tint Paper ™... for all your Steller (sic) Rebeling (sic) needs.

[Iambaytor]

What the fuck is Craft Tent Paper?

[Thelogan]

It's this paper with little gray dots, it comes in a bunch of different densities that make up practically every shade of gray you can think of. It was used back in the day in black & white comics (mostly in newspapers) to sort of simulate color.

 

You either cut out and paste the pieces you want where you want them, or they had the scratch off kind. Have you ever seen those pieces of black paper, and then you scratch off the surface layer and there are random colors underneath? I think it worked like that, you scratch down to whatever depth of gray you wanted.

 

This is all just from childhood memory, since the internet seems to deny it existed. I could be slightly misinformed.

 

EDIT 2012: I was clearly drunk. You put it on the paper and then rub the top of the sheet. Cut and paste? Jesus fucking christ, that would be retarded.

Edited May 20, 2012 by Thelogan

[Iambaytor]

That looks like the work of gray marker to me. Say what you will about that comic but the guy who's shading it seems to know what he's doing.

[Thelogan]

Unquestionably tint paper, promise.

[Thelogan]

The Water Boarder may have been the natural, more extreme 90's evolution, but the 80's belonged to the Wave Warriors.

 

 

 

 

Wave Riding: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the bubble city stupid-as-shit.

 

 

You can tell he's from a strange future because their names have needlessly repeated consonants.

 

 

Yes, even in the far flung surfin' future there are still wave widows who stand on the futuristic shore, watching their surfers surf. And preparing their "radiation wash."

 

 

 

 

 

Adamm! WHY? Why are our schools and library towers being destroyed? Maybe because we did spent all our time surfing rather than looking around at the horizon every once in awhile-- no, mustn't even CONSIDER a world where we can't surf endlessly.

 

Are you looking and listening as the evil plunges deep?

 

Not only has the evil lord Natuluxx conquered the last outpost of civilization, but there is some totally bitchin' wave action going on out there! So... SURF CONTEST!!

 

 

 

 

 

Of course they had to throw in the obligatory purple and red werewolf. So cliche.

 

 

SCIENCE TALK! Learn a few words and just say them together. Science will ensue.

 

 

Muscles like steel? Tasteful green jams? THIS IS NOT MY WORK! Resurrected as a steel-skinned super surfer, Adamm will no doubt wreak vengeance - SURF STYLE VENGEANCE - on the mutants and on gremmies and hodads alike! But unfortunately this is where the comic ends, with but the promise of super-surfing to come. FUN FACT: this comic book had a print run of 25,000 and every one got sold. Read 'em and weep, comic book industry of today.

[The NZA]

ahahaha, i was gonna clown on all the troupes - muscles everywhere, weird violence, furries etc - but that last line the quote, it feels like a thousand image writers just cried out, and were silenced.

[Thelogan]

The other Captain Marvel. No, not that one. The other one. NO, the OTHER other one...oh fuck it.

 

 

Wait...is that his power? How marketable.

 

 

Ah, the ol' "Hey little boy, watch my clothes become invisible" routine.

 

 

Jesus...he's 'grooming' this young man. Telling him secrets and making him feel special.

I'm a little hazy at the motivations alien intellectuals would have to make such a stupid robot, or why he needs magic words.

 

 

What a menace! He's causing dozens of dollars in damage and creating an extreme inconvenience. I'm also glad to see I'm not the only one who THINKS sound effects.

I'm not even going to mention the manhandling he gave that poor landlubber.

 

 

Okay, we've established that all of his extremities seem to be able to be detached and independently controlled. Li'l Billy is going to be in for quite a surprise. "His bedroom door is closed, but there's enough space underneath..."

He also has jet boots and laser vision. Do the wonders never cease?

SPOILER: They do not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even the iron jawed menace can't fight the charisma of Captain Marvel.

 

 

Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise. I hope those crazy kids work it out, they have a good thing going.

Wait...Captain Marvel, the alien robot with detachable body parts, presumably chose his own name...and he chose Roger Winkle.

 

 

Wait, wut? GADS!

 

 

Ah, the glory days. Before the Curie's invented radioactivity.

 

 

So they can time travel. And the best get rich scheme they can come up with is to assume the identity of a gold miner and mine all his gold.

But they could just go to before...or even...and then go back and take the same...

 

 

Is that water vision? He just keeps on giving.

 

XAM!

[Iambaytor]

I think it's eye semen, he collects and stores it like a toad.