>Drunken Horoscopes.. Which one are you..........
>
>ARIES (3/21-4/19)
>
>Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when
>to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
>closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they
>get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is
>a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods
>fail.
>Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
>whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise.
>They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you
>haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night,
>you sneaky Gemini.
>
>
>TAURUS (4/20-5/20)
>Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow
>glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a
>one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who
>spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers,
>the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots
>and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say
>that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus
>will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and
>is
>extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
>
>GEMINI (5/21-6/21)
>Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're
>so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to
>tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and
>allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state
>of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic
>ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
>tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different
>cocktails every round --repetition is boring -- and may create a
>theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for
>their own amusement.
>
>
>CANCER (6/22-7/22)
>Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
>after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
>darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
>guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
>parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
>Hollywood
>style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and
>emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing
>better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red
>wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will
>do.
>The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you
>served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
>
>LEO (7/23-8/22)
>Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
>usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
>dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
>darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their
>limit,
>probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
>over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the
>one
>that brung
>them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so
>just try to ignore it (try harder,Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and
>hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
>
>VIRGO (8/23-9/22)
>Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
>Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less
>than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
>neat,
>to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get
>fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by
>the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they
>let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy).
>As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a
>low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
>
>LIBRA (9/23-10/22)
>"I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so
>damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate
>to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
>device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are
>little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
>Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,
>however,
>which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing
>their wobbly boots way too early in the evening, flirting with their
>best
>friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.
>Oops!
>
>SCORPIO (10/23-11/21)
>Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at
>you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
>hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
>and
>screw
>you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as
>something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool --
>though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
>generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant
>conversationalists
>and
>dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what
>you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
>
>
>SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21)
>In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When
>buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
>Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.
>This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the
>sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole
>Smith?).
>They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade
>the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a
>playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue
>(including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is
>a brilliant booty call).
>
>CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19)
>Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
>money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
>astrological
>cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and
>AnnieLennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star,
>independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
>please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to
>quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on
>or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to
>loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up
>with a cute groupie.
>
>AQUARIUS (1/20-2/1Cool
>Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for
>water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism,
>and
>if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain
>or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing,
>however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative --
>and
>they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're
>usually capital drink-ursers. They also make the best designated
>drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their
>wrist):
>Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
>interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
>
>PISCES (2/19-3/20)
>If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a
>sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and
>Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy,
>out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a
>mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the
>other
>hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
>conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out
>sharing
>a
>pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase
>"addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know
