Blargh - The Random Thread

[The NZA]

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your

failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over

all States, Commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she

does not fancy.

 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the

97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside

your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the

Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will

determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check

"aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how

wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words

such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell

'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should

raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

 

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps'

in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not mature enough to cope with bad

language then you should not have chat shows.

 

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

 

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such

as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn

that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the

county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American

States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,

Louisianashire.

 

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task 1.

 

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of

football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The

2.2% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed

no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper

football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

 

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which

is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a

rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like

nancies).

 

You should also stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an

event

called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of

America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game

called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe,

oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more

dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not

sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit

to carry a vegetable peeler.

 

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

 

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you

will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric

without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication

will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not

real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian, though 97.8% of you

(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware

of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps."

Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional

accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

 

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only

proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once

known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen

Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company

which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow

true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be

permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK

petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

 

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or

therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not

adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not

grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you

shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to

1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

John Cleese

[basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]

 

American rebuttal

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.

 

DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

 

To the imperialist British colonizers.

 

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

 

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

 

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

 

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

 

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

 

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

 

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

 

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

 

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

 

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

 

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

 

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

 

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

[MetalHeart]

[Ganny McVagflaps]

 

[The NZA]

 

Yo mama don't wear no drawers!

I saw her when she took them off!

Standin on the welfare line, eatin swine

Tryin to look fine, with her stank behind...

 

You can ask the bitch and she'll tell ya fast

Meth-Tical got STYLE with his nasty ass

[Ganny McVagflaps]

I fucking love "Full House".

 

Okay, yeah I said it.

 

Get over it.

[MetalHeart]

Dear Ashley Simpson...

 

 

When Kelly Osbourne finds out that you're aping her look, she is going to kick your scrawny little ass. Sleep with one eye open.

We just thought you should know.

 

Love,

The Fug Girls

 

PS: No one's wearing pants that low anymore. We all got tired of having to get a Brazilian just to put on our jeans.

PPS: The sweater vest has never been sexy. It never will be sexy. It merely makes you look like you're a big Jack McFarlane fan, a goal we feel would be better accomplished through extensive use of jazz hands.

PPPS: Girls in ties are also over. I don't recall that look ever really working, unless you were Molly Ringwald or Shannen Dorherty as Brenda Walsh -- the former because, you know, she dressed kooky and latter because if you expressed dislike of her outfit, she'd cut you.

PPPPS: Hey, how's your acid reflux?

 

Go Fug Yourself

[MetalHeart]

 

Chloe, if your zipper is longer than a man's erect penis, your pants are too high-waisted. Period. Now smile, stand up straight, and wash your hair.

 

 

Go Fug Yourself

[The NZA]

 

"used to be free, now they charge you a fee

'cause its all about gettin' that cash money..." - The Mighty Mos Def

 

[MetalHeart]

[endworld]

 

 

~and then they melt~

[pictureofdorian]

DBLNeck [4:58 AM]:  LUSBY (n.)The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too small for the lady inside it.

[La Lindsay]

there should be a thread admiring leaf people because they are the best. ever.

[The NZA]

so..so i get off of here around 7AM, hitch a ride back somehow, take my dead battery back to discount auto around the way (might have to hoof it, that's gonna be rough on no sleep), get a good one back, wander back, learn how to hook it back up properly, and hope to hell that works, and its not the alternator that's shot, cause i gotta be back here agani at 11pm.

Plus, its finals week...its not so bad, but i wish idve had some warning. I'm just greatful it gave out last night and not the night before.

[Reverend Jax]

I'm on a rampage!

 

Drop some mad beats!

[Ganny McVagflaps]

Dave Lee Roth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Class act.

[Ganny McVagflaps]

ChristyandJake's posts for the day is at 78...that's only 72 down on 'Tussin....

[The NZA]

[Jont]

[The NZA]

[endworld]

We had sat down to a nice dinner of porkchops and current events, when afterwards as the topics nulled away like a fading echo, we started putting away the food. My mom slowly held up a chop and said, "Hey, this one looks like a mitten............. OH MY GOD WE'RE EATING HANDS!!!!"

Edited April 11, 2005 by endworld

[endworld]

[MetalHeart]

"JESUS CHRIST, EMO LOG!" - dowe

 

"IT'S NOT BLACK, BUT IT SMELLS LIKE BLACKS!" - deidre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......randomess shall be explained LATER

[The NZA]

cant catch a break, just keep movin

[dinghy]

How can one be listless and have such a tremendous amount of shit to do at the very same time?!!!

[Ganny McVagflaps]

Maxim sucks fucking ass....but Russian Maxim...now that looks kick fuckin' ass!