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Texts From Last Night


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In the same vein as Fuck My Life, TFLN features texts submitted by various people with a fucked up or funny text message they received. I always find one that makes my laugh or go "what?!". So awesome!




Also, they have a twitter! They update it daily, but don't overload your shit:



(781): I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step


(845): im poppin the ladies like they're bacne


(616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.


(619): Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): How mad was your dog?


(979): Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.


(770): I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them


(502): sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets


(641): she has no idea who harrison ford is.

(617): see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s


(704): is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?


(503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.


(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.


(949): i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.


(650): we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA


(303): woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?


Some to get you guys started ^_^

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Some there are fucking great!! :D:2T:


(616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.


(979): Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.


(770): I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them.


(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.



FTW!!! Thanks for putting up this thread!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here's a whole bunch of some I read today that I wanted to share. Enjoy! There's a lot...




(323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.


(440): Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.


(313): Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.


(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.


(604): the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.


(202): Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?


(402): her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed


(617): May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape


(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"


(331): You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.


(951): I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.


(315): Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.


(580): White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.


(504): so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads


(336): He asked me if I "almost moaned"


(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.


(615): Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.


(215): I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.


(651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.


(817): You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.


(978): Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.


(302): is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?


(703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.


(610): We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions


(757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work


(201): you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.


(845): Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?


(773): before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.


(617): You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head


(702): And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse


(732): I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.


(631): I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.


(972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.


(832): Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!


(440): He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim


(512): its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love


(402): she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.


(224): bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.


(540): i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.


(781): Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.



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  • 3 weeks later...

(361): Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??


(574): I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.


(913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever.


(636): FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.


(440): well look at the bright side

(440): maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"


(214): she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?


(407): me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.


(443): a queef is a wish your heart makes.


(214): come over

(1-214): yeah sure

(1-214): wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10


(973): Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back


(214): I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.


(248): What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.

(810): I think you know the answer.

(248): How can I marinade myself in Vodka?


(563): Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?



(315): ... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...


(403): I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room


(903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): I'll be there in 10


(936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.


(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): do you not see the irony in that??


(480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.


(516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"


(512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.


(323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again?


(780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

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  • 3 months later...

(908): Apparently i added "small children" to my likes on facebook, glad to know where my subconscious is at.


(704): I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested.


(262): My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masterbate.Something is wrong here.......


(612): Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight.


(678) So.... I'm really sorry for trying to sell you to random people in cars last night.

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(818): i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids


(540): I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger


...and my favorite...


(516): everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.


...so true. LOL

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It's the stereotype more than anything. Hell, if you even have a job in this economy then you're doing good. It's hard to move out of your parents' house in these times. Glad to hear you're doing better, man!

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(312): I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.


(817): He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house


(530): I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS


(574): So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree


(716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz


(607): flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final


(734): you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"


(732): I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.


(732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(804): So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...


(313): you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth


(313): Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate


(347): we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this


(817): He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night


(716): I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight


(619): I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.


(702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.


(208): I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."

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  • 1 month later...

(508) You were carrying around a glass of vodka and telling everyone it was Russian water.


(310) The guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch, please don't fuck him.


(225) I swear to God finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels.


(617) They had a keg party to fund her abortion.

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