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Hondo's Bar

Hondo's Bar: The Movie


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INT. NIGHT-CLUB, NIGHT

IT IS THE YEAR 2035. THE IRISH COWBOY SITS ALONE IN A DARK CORNER SIPPING ON A BOTTLE OF SMIRNOFF ICE LAMENTING TIMES GONE. HE SEEMS TO BE TALKING TO HIMSELF.

 

IRISH COWBOY:

You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it.

 

IT TURNS OUT HE IS NOT TALKING TO HIMSELF AS THE CAMERA PANS AROUND TO SHOW JAX, ADORNED IN A MAN-THONG AND BURGER-KING CROWN SITTING ACROSS FROM THE IRISH COWBOY.

 

JAX:

Aw, gee whizz...c'mon IC it can't be that bad can it...huh? huh?

 

IRISH COWBOY:

And how much better can it get? I used to be a man of standards. Shit, I remember when I had morals running outta my backside and now what've I got?

 

JAX:

Golly-gee-wilickers IC you've got a lotta things. You've got your health, right?

 

IRISH COWBOY:

I shoulda never went to Turkey with 2track. That's where it all went wrong.

 

JAX:

Aw, 2track ain't that bad Mr. C, he's an okay kinda guy if ya ask me.

 

IRISH COWBOY:

He told me that hash was a national passtime.

 

JAX:

Well boy, that sure sounds fun. Did you know that the national passtime of Canada is eating tasty pancakes with lots an' lotsa maple syrup? I sure would like to go to Canada.

 

IRISH COWBOY:

Have you ever seen "Midnight Express"?

 

JAX:

Is that one with Tim Allen? I ain't seen nothing but talking pictures with Tim Allen.

 

IRISH COWBOY:

Sure, Jax. It's got Tim Allen in it. God, after what happened to you back in 2026 I don't know why I even talk to you anymore....

 

JAX:

Is it 'cause you love me?

 

IRISH COWBOY:

Yes Jax, it's 'cause I love you....

 

JAX:

So Iccy, tell me more about what happened with 2track in Turkey.

 

IRISH COWBOY:

Buy me a drink and I will.

 

JAX:

Yepper depper! Whatcha want?

 

IRISH COWBOY:

I'll have another Smirnoff........Ice.....

 

JAX:

Sure thing!

 

IRISH COWBOY:

It was in the year 2006......

 

THE CAMERA FADES INTO A FLASHBACK

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not that you guys suck at keeping the flow or anything but....

 

IT IS 2006. CARS ARE FLYING, CHILDREN ARE TRADING RUBERT MURDO-GI-OH CARDS AND BRETT RATNER HAS DELIVERED THE BEST COMIC-BOOK MOVIE EVER. THE CAMERA FLIES OVER HAPPY NEIGHBOURHOODS FULL OF SMILING FAMILIES AND VAPID CHILDREN HIGH ON RITALIN.

 

IRISH COWBOY (VOICE OVER):

It was 2006, a new start....

 

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OVER ARCORP, A GIANT GREY BUILDING SPEWING SMOKE OVER THE IDYLLIC TOWN.

 

IRISH COWBOY (VOICE OVER):

Except for some.

 

INT. ARCORP, DAY.

ARCHANGEL SITS ON HIS THRONE OF IRAQI CHILDREN BONES AND STOLEN MONEY CACKELING. HIS BOARD HOVERS AROUND A LARGE TABLE STARING AT HIM WAITING FOR HIS NEXT MOVE.

 

ARCHANGEL:

I was sitting on my golden ass-throne this morning as I was squeezing out a man-dump and I was wondering how I could fuck the world over today and then it hit me....

 

ARC HATER:

The flux-capacater, sir?

 

ARCHANGEL:

Will someone have this stooge shot? I thought we were rid of him last meeting.

 

ARCHANGEL'S GOONS BURST IN THE DOOR AND DRAG ARC HATER OUT OF THE ROOM KICKING AND SCREAMING.

 

ARC HATER:

Your boy was the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record, in his first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.He spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury, He shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history and set the economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period and for the biggest drop in the history of the stock market. His first year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history and after taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history....

 

THE DOOR SLAMS BEHIND ARC HATER LEAVING HIS PINKO LIBERAL FAG SHIT FAR AWAY.

 

ARCHANGEL:

*Phew*. Okay fellers, now that we've got rid of that guy hows about we rip up some trees and fuck the ecology over?

 

ARC GOON:

That's the best idea you've had you bald, fat son of a gun.

 

ARCHANGEL:

I try.

 

THE ARC HATER JUMPS BACK THROUGH THE DOOR OF THE ARCORP BOARD ROOM

 

ARC HATER:

....cut healthcare benefits for war veterans, he's dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history and presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world. He's the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations. The first president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world communit and the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack! Did I mention he took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world, which is possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US if not world histo...

 

THE ARC HATER IS DRAGGED AWAY ONCE MORE

 

ARCHANGEL:

Okay guys here's a plan....let's just shoot him in the head, okay? If we get rid of him then there'll be no more outbursts. Anyone got Heston's number.....? C'mon someone's gotta have Heston's number....well, fuck it. Who cares we have more important things to discuss here. The first motion for discussion: regain; makes me feel good or ewwww....that's not my hair....

 

ARC LOVER #1:

I think it looks natural, sir.

 

ARCHANGEL:

Nice answer. You've now been promoted to secretary of state.

 

ARC LOVER #1:

But sir, can you do that? We're just a major corporation, not the US government......

 

ARCHANGEL:

Hahahahahahahahah....my friend, we are more incestious than the british royal family.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...
  • 3 months later...

INT. PANCH'S HOT AND SWEATY LOVE NEST, NIGHT

PANCH AND SKEETER SIT ON A SOFA DRINKING CHEAP ASS BEER.

 

PANCH:

Man, this sucks. I'm bored as shit.

 

SKEETER:

Me too.

 

PANCH:

*sigh*

 

SKEETER:

Say, you wanna take some ecstasy and fuck each other?

 

PANCH:

Sounds like a plan.

 

MUSICMANIAC APPEARS FROM BEHING THE SOFA.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Hey guys can I take ecstasy and fuck too, huh, can I?

 

PANCH:

What are you queer or something?

 

SKEETER:

Yeah, dude what the fuck? Piss off back to Queertopia.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

But...but...

 

PANCH:

But nothing queery-pants.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Fuck youse guys. I'm leaving and never coming back!

 

MUSICMANIAC STOMPS OUT OF THE ROOM IN ANGER.

 

SKEETER:

So as I was saying, we'll hit up a club or something, pick up a coupla E, pop them there, trek on back here by which time we both should be up and then we can totally fuck.

 

PANCH:

Awesome!

 

SKEETER HI-FIVES PANCH.

 

SKEETER:

Totally awesome!

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Hey guys.

 

PANCH:

...the fuck....

 

SKEETER:

I thought you fucked off.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Yeah, but I'm back! Check it out!

 

PANCH:

Jesus Christ you're like 2track's herpes. Everytime he thinks they've gone away it's outbreak central.

 

SKEETER:

Yeah! Wait...2track has what now...?

 

PANCH:

Spin the wheel of STDs, you're bound to land on something he has.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

So guys...fucking and ecstasy, right?

 

PANCH:

Aw fuck it....the more the merrier.....

 

SKEETER:

And it all ends happily ever after.

 

PANCH:

Oh yeah and me and Skeet are not gonna fuck either, that was just in the script. We're totally straight!

 

SKEETER:

Fuck yeah. We always be fucking the bitches.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Yeah!

 

PANCH:

Oh, hey queer-ass.

 

SKEETER:

'sup her royal queerness.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

One of these days....

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Jont stumbles into the thread, dazed and confused. He mutters to himself.

 

JONT: What the fuck is this. It's a bunch of fucking nonsense, I'm tired, I haven't read the rest of this thread, and I think I have amnesia, but I do have a this.

 

Jont pulls open his shirt revealing a lean and seductively hairy chest, across which are tattooed the words "reply-type posts will make baby Jesus cry "

 

JONT: Can't you fucking read!

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  • 5 weeks later...

This movie must be made at all costs... I'll even photo the posters! :)

 

INT. PANCH'S HOT AND SWEATY LOVE NEST, NIGHT

PANCH AND SKEETER SIT ON A SOFA DRINKING CHEAP ASS BEER.

 

PANCH:

Man, this sucks. I'm bored as shit.

 

SKEETER:

Me too.

 

PANCH:

*sigh*

 

SKEETER:

Say, you wanna take some ecstasy and fuck each other?

 

PANCH:

Sounds like a plan.

 

MUSICMANIAC APPEARS FROM BEHING THE SOFA.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Hey guys can I take ecstasy and fuck too, huh, can I?

 

PANCH:

What are you queer or something?

 

SKEETER:

Yeah, dude what the fuck? Piss off back to Queertopia.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

But...but...

 

PANCH:

But nothing queery-pants.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Fuck youse guys. I'm leaving and never coming back!

 

MUSICMANIAC STOMPS OUT OF THE ROOM IN ANGER.

 

SKEETER:

So as I was saying, we'll hit up a club or something, pick up a coupla E, pop them there, trek on back here by which time we both should be up and then we can totally fuck.

 

PANCH:

Awesome!

 

SKEETER HI-FIVES PANCH.

 

SKEETER:

Totally awesome!

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Hey guys.

 

PANCH:

...the fuck....

 

SKEETER:

I thought you fucked off.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Yeah, but I'm back! Check it out!

 

PANCH:

Jesus Christ you're like 2track's herpes. Everytime he thinks they've gone away it's outbreak central.

 

SKEETER:

Yeah! Wait...2track has what now...?

 

PANCH:

Spin the wheel of STDs, you're bound to land on something he has.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

So guys...fucking and ecstasy, right?

 

PANCH:

Aw fuck it....the more the merrier.....

 

SKEETER:

And it all ends happily ever after.

 

PANCH:

Oh yeah and me and Skeet are not gonna fuck either, that was just in the script. We're totally straight!

 

SKEETER:

Fuck yeah. We always be fucking the bitches.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

Yeah!

 

PANCH:

Oh, hey queer-ass.

 

SKEETER:

'sup her royal queerness.

 

MUSICMANIAC:

One of these days....

 

 

:blink:laughing.gif

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  • 1 month later...

INT. SKEETER'S HOUSE, DAY

SKEETER SITS IN HIS BEDROOM IN DARKNESS. THE CURTAINS ARE DRAWN AND THE ONLY REAL LIGHT IS FROM HIS HUMMING COMPUTER SCREEN. SKEETER LOGS INTO A CHAT-ROOM.

 

SKEETER:

Okay - let's see what we have tonight...

 

CHATROOM

 

SKEETER68+1: Hey guyz! Wotz goin on?

MuSiCNeCRoPHeLiAC: supp bro?

IAMBAYTOR: hello skeeter68+1

**sexyGirl**: hi ske :love:

SKEETER68+1: This place seems kool!

SKEETER68+1: So A/S/L??

MuSiCNeCRoPHeLiAC: male. 25. boston.

**sexyGirl**: f-17-newbrunswickNJ! do you love Charmed, Ske?!?!

IAMYBAYTOR: m/11/mIssouri

**sexyGirl**: OMG! that new JT song>! sooo gud!

SKEETER68+1: hey baytoe you wanna go privarte room?

IAMBAYTOR: sure Thing

 

SKEETER69+1 has left this conversation

IAMBAYTOR has left this conversation

 

SKEETER68+1: itz alot better in here

IAMBAYTOR: yeah, more room to breath lol!!!

SKEETER68+1: so, your in school

IAMBAYTOR: yeah. its tough but its cool. math sucks!!!lol!!!

SKEETER68+1: YOu know who else sucks right?

IAMBAYTOR: now dat sexyG is not here is it JT!!!!!lol!!!!

SKEETER68+1: not exactly..do you have a gf

IAMBAYTOR: no. never eveb kissed a girl :(

SKEETER68+1: thats no good. maybe girls are not for u

IAMBAYTOR: wot u mean???>

SKEETER68+1: well, maybe you would like to try something new, no?

IAMBAYTOR: like waht??

SKEETER68+1: what if IO come to your house and show you???

IAMBAYTOR: sure..when?

SKEETER68+1: when do you wnat it

IAMBAYTOR: i dont know...wghenever

SKEETER68+1: my dick is getting so fuckin hard now

IAMBAYTOR: oh gofd, me too. tell me more

SKEETER68+1: I WAnt to fuck and suck and get fucked and syucked

IAMBAYTOR: OMG this is SOO F***in' hot!!! come to mu house now. have you email?

SKEETER68+1: skeeterskeeterpussyeater@hotmail.com

IAMBAYTOR: K - i'lkl mail you now! com e quick. i cant wait

SKEETER68+1: i'll be there ASAP big-boy

 

SKEETER69+1 has left this conversation

IAMBAYTOR has left this conversation

 

 

END OF CHATROOM SEQUENCE

 

SKEETER CHECKS HIS E-MAIL AND PRINTS THE ADDRESS AS HE RUNS AROUND THE ROOM LOOKING FOR CLOTHES. HE TRIES TO SPRAY DEODORANT BUT THERE'S NONE IN THE CAN, SO HE GRABS A CAN OF FOSTER'S, OPENS IT AND SPLASHES SOME UNDER HIS ARMPITS.

 

SKEETER:

It's on!

 

SOME TIME LATER....

 

INT. IAMBAYTOR'S HOUSE, DAY

THE DOORBELL RINGS. IAMBAYTOR COMES TO THE DOOR.

 

IAMBAYTOR:

You must be Skeeter.

 

SKEETER:

And you're IamBaytor. Fuck, you look better than I thought you would. I just want to squeeze your puffy cheeks...both pairs....

 

SKEETER GOES TO KISS IAMBAYOR

 

IAMBAYTOR:

No...not yet! Let me get into something a little more comfortable...you go to the kitchen. I've made some fresh lemonade.

 

SKEETER:

Sounds great. Maybe it'll help me brew up some of my own special lemonade for later.

 

IAMBAYTOR WALKS UP THE STAIRS. SKEETER MAKES HIS WAY INTO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF LEMONADE.

 

SKEETER:

Mmmmmmmmmm....

 

SUDDENLY STONE PHILLIPS BURSTS IN THE ROOM WITH A CAMERA CREW.

 

SKEETER:

Awww fuck.....

 

STONE PHILLIPS:

So you know who I am?

 

SKEETER:

Pretty much.

 

STONE PHILLIPS:

Well, I'm Stone Phillips from Dateline NBC.

 

SKEETER:

So, what...are you here to arrest me?

 

STONE PHILLIPS:

Hells no! I'm here for the fucking!

 

SKEETER AND STONE PHILLIPS HIGH-FIVE.

 

SKEETER:

Awesome!

 

STONE PHILLIPS:

Baldy boy balls!

 

SKEETER AND STONE PHILLIPS HIGH-FIVE AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME AS THEY CLAP HANDS TOGETHER THE PICTURE PAUSES.

 

MUSIC CUE:

Anyway You Want It by Journey

 

THE CREDITS ROLL.

 

FADE TO BLACK.

 

INT. SKEETER'S BEDROOM, NIGHT

SKEETER JUMPS UP IN BED. IT TURNS OUT EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED WAS A DREAM. SKEETER IS SWEATING. HE RUNS INTO PANCH IN THE NEXT ROOM.

 

SKEETER:

Man - I just had the most fucked up dream?

 

PANCH:

If it has anything to do with us being in two "Hondo's Bar: The Movie" skits in a row, it's not gonna happen. Unless of course it's about some fucked up taboo subject which only we can be the cast in 'cause we don't cry like little bitches. We're men, men, men, sir. No vaginas on us...no sir, no vaginas on us.

 

SKEETER:

I'm going back to bed....

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  • 4 months later...

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