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Constantine


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Constantine was complete and utter Hulk Cockstantine.

 

Okay, so he wasn't a Liverpudlian, or blonde or with brown trench, but y'know what "High Fidelity" wasn't set in Chicago either so maybe Keanu could pull a Rob Gordon on us.

 

Oh wait...what's that...oh yeah KEANU REEVES EATS MAN ASS, and really it's not just that. Okay, well maybe it is...but I tried and put everything aside, "maybe", said I, "they captured Johnny Boys spirit". Well Keanu can't be blamed for this one. This is all about the script-writers.

 

First of all, bitter old bastard....yeah...he can be, but Constantine is meant to be more of a "Fuck You" wise-ass, than a "Fuck You" bitter old cunt. The character there just wasn't Constantine.

 

The story was all over the place, and you could see how they were definitly going out for a PG-13 no matter what the director has said in interviews of late ("how did you work that one out?", you ask me. "Well luvvies, that'd be the overall lack of fucking swearing.")

 

Also somehow in this world, Chas is now played by a teenager. I thought he was a grown man...also his name seems to be Chas Chandler now as opposed to Frank Chandler, but hey...we don't wanna confuse anyone. Plus anyone reading Hellblazer knows that

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIG FUCKING COCK EATING SPOILER RIGHT HERE, THEN AGAIN GOING TO THIS PIECE OF ASSCANDLE MOVIE'LL SPOIL YOUR APPETITE FOR A WEEK, SO WHATEVER....

 

 

 

 

 

every one of Constantine's friends doesn't really have a long life expectancy...well all of them except Chas, so the way they killed him (and turned him into somewhat of an expert magician) just boggles the mind. Maybe they didn't want him around for the big Reeves/Weisz kiss at the end (oh...how sweet he's chewing gum). There's also a bollocks PS after the credits where Constantine visits "Chas Chandler's" grave to see him as an angel rise into heaven. Me needs a sick bag stat....

 

 

 

 

 

END OF SPOILER, AND BACK TO THE ASS RAPING OF THE PIECE OF COCKSPLASH THAT WAS CONSTANTINE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and remember "Dangerous Habits"? Well the screen writer seems to have fucking ass-pissed all over Ennis' work and just said "Hey, lung cancer....nice twist...gives him depth...maybe they'll gimme a Michael Bay flick after this".

 

I will say the exorcism at the start was kinda cool, and generally the special effects looked the part. Otherwise fuck Constantine. Can Garth Ennis' source material ever be put to good use (see this and the Punisher), that's why I hope we NEVER. EVER see a Preacher flick unless Rodriguez is behind the lens. Anyways...sorry tangent..alls I can say now is...

 

ROLL ON PART TWO BITCHES!

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Hahaha....ok, if i can pause a moment between the piss & vinegar:

 

Saw it with Dante & LL last night, and again, i say: if this movie went by another name, idve enjoyed it, and only wouldve thought how it subtely bit offa Hellblazer. Because aside from character names, and a very few moments, it wouldntve been obvious.

 

If youre lookin for a supernatural action flick, this movie's alright. But yeah, while Keanu didnt exactly knock it out the park, there was way more than cussing, a trenchcoat, and a brit accent missing; this guy just wasnt him, by any stretch. Granted, he's the only vertigo character that's had multple eisner-award winning writers have their go at him, but he's been basically the same character through all ive read, and given the american moviegoer's fettish for horror in recnet years, and the amazing dark shit Ennis, Ellis, Delano, Azarello, and Carey have done in years past for this book, there's a lotta great arcs that could easily have transferred to film as is.

 

This one ( i came in late) didnt seem to spend nearly as long as the standard comic film telling origin, but is it me, or does everyone of these things since Blade/The Crow have to end the same way, with a panned-out camera & monologue, advertising the sequel possibilities?

 

As a fanboy, i can appreciate when shit's changed because it works better on camera, but im always confused when things are changed that i think wouldve worked, and are actually made more hokey then in the book. I was rubbed a bit wrong from the start, when Constantine was all about his own redemption, rather than the anarchist cunt ive known and loved.

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The4thRail.com (excellent comic review site, anyway....RottenTomatoes.com gave it like 45% i think it was?)

 

constantine.jpg

 

CONSTANTINE the movie

 

Warner Bros./Village Roadshow

Director: Francis Lawrence

Writers: Kevin Brodbin & Frank Capello

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Djimon Hounsou, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Gavin Rossdale, Jesse Ramirez, Tilda Swinton & Peter Stormare

 

Constantine is a movie about a precarious truce between Heaven and Hell, and how mankind is caught in the middle, and it's about a woman who's suffered a great loss. But mostly, it's about a guy who knows he's condemned to eternal damnation and is trying to do something about it. Unfortunately, the part of the guy trying to save his own soul is portrayed by an actor who fails to convey he has a soul to begin with.

 

John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) is an occultist who works on the side of the angels, not because he's a good guy, but because he wants to buy his way into Heaven. He meets an L.A. detective, Angela Dawson (Rachel Weisz), who asks for his help in uncovering what made her sister commit suicide. The pair soon finds itself in the middle of a demonic plot that threatens to unleash the apocalypse on Earth.

 

As most readers of this site know, Constantine is based on HellBlazer, a mature-readers comic book featuring a British version of the character Reeves portrays in this film. It's edgy, dark and far from the black-and-white, good-versus-evil plotting one will find on the big screen. Constantine is basically a big action, special-effects picture built around Catholic dogma. And it works quite well on that level. The story is simple but smart, and the sort of plot holes one usually expects to find in a big-budget, comic-book adaptation aren't to be found here. This is not HellBlazer, and anyone expecting it to be will be disappointed.

 

The film grabs the viewer's attention almost immediately and never lets go. Horror-movie elements lurk at the periphery, and those, combined with the typical action fare, make for some wonderfully explosive and bone-rattling surprises. Toward the end of the movie, it loses a bit of its intensity. It's easy to see that the filmmakers are holding back, desperately trying to avoid an R rating. Monstrous visions of demons are OK, but the audience is never allowed to see too much blood. Some of the details are watered down a bit.

 

This could have been a truly great action movie, something unique and memorable that would have had tongues wagging for months. It was missing one important factor: charisma. Keanu Reeves fails to bring any real personality to the title role. He seems to focus his attention on looking cool, and the only weapon in his arsenal is silence. His character is clearly embittered, and at one point, he's described as a con man. But there's no wit, no sarcasm and certainly no slyness in Reeves's performance.

 

Fortunately, the writing and effects are able to overcome his obvious weakness. The ideas and visuals are mesmerizing. This is definitely a movie that demands to be seen on the big screen. 6/10

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Well kids, wish me luck. It's released here tomorrow an' I was gonna drag my Geddy along, but with the sequential releases of Sin City, Batman Begins, and Fantastic Four I let her off the hook(tho she DID point out that's be Stateside for the release of FF, so I'll be needing a date still). I know it's gonna suck but I need closure, an' you're reading the post of a fella that watched the two Punishers, and the Schumacher Batman flicks just to determine the worst mainstream comic adaption...

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Hey well I liked it :D

 

Yeah Keanu can't really act, in fact there were plenty of times he looked like he thought he was filming matrix 4, but didnt spoil it for me.

 

As for similarities to the comic book, the director and keanu made it no secret that they were going to change lots of shit (and the fact Keanu even said in interviews he'd only read a few of the comics beofre filming) so this was definitely not going to be a film for the fanboys I thought.

 

Weiss looked good, the effects looked good, the kid from Holes is great (can't wait to see him do more stuff), Papa Midnite was cool, the scene with the devil was excellent, Constantine was a whiny, cocky bitch for most of it, what's not to like?

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I thought the environment looked good. COuldn't really tell it was L.A. unless you already knew I thought. John's apartment was pretty sweet.

 

As for the whiny stuff, that only really came out when he was trying to buy his way into heaven. Rest of the time he's just mean, with a bit too much softening as the film went on admittedly.

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Heh, good point Jax.

 

And the director moved it to LA because he wanted a noirish feel? Like England can't be noirish?

 

I'm glad to hear that Shia LaBeouf is still doing good stuff, though. I remember a few years ago when he was on a show on the Disney Channel that my little sisters used to watch all the time. I'd always stop and watch it when he was on the screen because he was that damn good. Glad to see he's doing well in the movies now. That kid's gonna be a star.

 

Saw it with Dante & LL last night, and again, i say: if this movie went by another name, idve enjoyed it, and only wouldve thought how it subtely bit offa Hellblazer. Because aside from character names, and a very few moments, it wouldntve been obvious.

 

Boy do I hate being right all the time.

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Well i finally got closure on Constantine... Can't tell you how utterly fuckin' orgasmical it was to see the Vertigo logo @ the start, but from there? Fuck that movie was bollocks. Closure is priceless though. Doesn't help that i fell asleep like half a dozen times, woken up by people's laughter @ what i assume was the writer's attempts @ levity...

 

Constantine chewing gum is officially in the annals alongside bat-nipples.

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Can't tell you how utterly fuckin' orgasmical it was to see the Vertigo logo @ the start

 

Me too...I was imagining another flick opening up in a small Texas diner...

 

"and the preaching is done..."

 

 

Constantine chewing gum is officially in the annals alongside bat-nipples.

 

Yeah....what the fucking fuck?!?!

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  • 2 weeks later...

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