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Kirk Douglas not dead at 93


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It was revealed today that actor and civil war veteran Kirk Douglas is indeed still among the ranks of the living.


When told the news Dr. Tairy Stump replied: "What? Are you sure? Has anyone checked lately? I mean...Bernie Mac is dead for fucksake."

He then ran to his bookshelf and started flipping frantically though some book with a leather bound cover. A few moments later he muttered and threw it to the ground in frustration before grabbing another and repeating the same strange ritual. We witnessed several beads of sweat slowly work their way past his increasingly wild, darting eyes. Finally, his searching stopped and his demeanor composed itself into grim understanding.

"Yes. Of course, that's it exactly. It all makes so much sense, if only I had seen sooner. " he said, not looking up.

"What?" we asked.

He jumped a little, as if he had forgotten that we were in the room.

"Oh, here. I'll show you."

He brought over a book that seemed to have the texture of human skin and began unfolding some sort of map covered with cryptic mystical symbols which he laid out on the table in front of us.

"As you can see, there's work to be done." he said

We were prepared to ask for elaboration, but while we were trying to make sense of the numbers and astrological charts in the book he sneaked up behind us and dosed us with chloroform. We awoke in an alley with a sharp pain coming from our rectum.

Dr. Tairy Stump is still at large, if you see him please call your local law enforcement agency. He looks like a Doctor, but with a mustache. You'd know him if you saw him.



Kirk Douglas made his debut in entertainment with a well reviewed vaudeville act that lampooned the aristocracy of the times, he graduated to the moving picture shortly thereafter and 35 years later he was one of the few to successfully adapt to the "talkies" or "Non-silent cinema". Of the actor, Mark Twain once said "Devilishly handsome for a man so progressed in years."

He is most well known for his role as Ross Burger in Season 6, Episode 18 of the popular show Touched by an Angel.

He is not dead.

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yeah, but i had to check TheOnion first to make sure he wasn't the new MM.



if you know what i mean :yup: </span>


How dare you, sir?!? That nonsense is all me. I would never stoop so low.


Except for Shakespeare's Gold...I totally swiped that. practically word-for-word.




I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe he's just really good at chess.


Or Jarts! I always thought Douglas had the supple wrists of a master Jartman.



I wanna, I want I want sundaes. I want I want sundaes, a wawawa.


Y'know...I can keep up a lot of the time, but this time I legitimately have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Bravo.

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He is most well known for his role as Ross Burger in Season 6, Episode 18 of the popular show Touched by an Angel.


The exact second I read this today at work, a call came through.

You have no idea how hard it is to contain a genuine laugh out loud moment for ten minutes while trying to explain that google search is not the address bar.


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Yeah this was a 27 year old man, he was on our website and then got lost on the website, so I was trying to get him to go back our homepage, it didn't end well. Not only did the guy get lost on our website he then got lost on the internet and because he couldn't find the address bar "it wasn't there" I had to send him to one of our stores so that I could laugh they could help him

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