Spongebob Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 4)That gimp with the bow and arrow. Hold UP!!!!!! NOW!!!!! You dont like the arrow guys??? You suck!!! They are the coolest. EVER!! You can just go suck balls if ya don't like it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reverend Jax Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 Heh that's funny coming out of Jax without quotation marks... Oops, that wasn't a quote, that was my feminine side talking for a second there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted March 31, 2003 Author Share Posted March 31, 2003 And suck balls I will. Stupid fucking Lord of the Ring... SAMWISE: "Dildo we must get to Mordor" DILDO: "Yes, we must Samwise" (Eight hours of walking later) THE ARCHER BLOKE: Blimey I sure am bushed. Any one for a spot of oral sex. DILDO: No we must get the ring to Mordor. (Another eight hours of walking) DILDO: Ah! Finally we have arrived at the home of Cate Blanchett. (Cate Blanchett et al sing some stupid language. Another eight hours of walking. They meet Liv Tyler) LIV TYLER: I'm just here to hetro-ise the spunky hunk with the sword. SPUNKY HUNK: Spiffing. (Another eight hours of walking) DILDO: Well we're still not even half way there yet.... (2track ejects the video and puts on BLOODSPORT) 2TRACK: Now this is a movie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Bob Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 Heh. Well that was Fellowship. Anyone want me to post the super-condensed version of the Two Towers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted March 31, 2003 Author Share Posted March 31, 2003 I never went to see that as I thought the first sucked so bad. I'd condense if I could but I can't. Maybe another Tolkien-hater can do the job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spongebob Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 Yea there was a shit ton of walking but... I am talking about the Arrrow guys not "dildo" and samwise... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Bob Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 Screw it, I'll do it anyway. Those who hate long posts, skip ahead. Those who like funny stuff, read on. SPOILERS GALORE. "THE TWO TOWERS (condensed) By Molly Winter Author's note: I LOVED this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes... CARADHRAS GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain? BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up. GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year... EMYN MUIL SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders. SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me. FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean? SAM: Oh, uh...nothing... FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company. GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO. SAM: Hey! Wait your turn! SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM. GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses. FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko. GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses? SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner. RIDDERMARK EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark... LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites. ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..? EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned. ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful... EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses. FANGORN FOREST MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai! PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out. TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments! TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off. FANGORN FOREST (next day) GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me? ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive! LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it! EDORAS LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less. THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself. GRIMA: That's the way I like it. GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses! THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead. GRIMA: Hmm. I better run. ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep. EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome! ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well. EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint. ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along. EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP LEGOLAS: Wargs! LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses. GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise? LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying. ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks. GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff! ARAGORN falls off cliff. LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression! ITHILIEN SAM: Gollum is such a freak. FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk. SAM: What? He IS a freak. FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine? SAM: Why are you picking on me? FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know. SAM: What the HELL? FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away. SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing... FRODO: Oh, spare me. FRODO stomps off. RIVENDELL ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him. ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream. ARWEN: Why do you say that? ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book. ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy. ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli. HELM'S DEEP ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS. LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you? ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too. RIVENDELL GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond? ELROND: Yes, speaking. GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel. ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you? GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo. ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately. GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do. ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter... GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball. ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call. GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond? GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you? ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy! GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that. ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something? GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep. GALADRIEL: Yeah, and? GANDALF: And they need your help, moron. GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable. HELM'S DEEP LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die. ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious. LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty. ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king. LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass. ARAGORN: Hey, blow me. (Ten minutes later) LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that. ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither. LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up? ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way? FANGORN FOREST PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders... MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine. ITHILIEN SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches. GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss! SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor. GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious. FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest. SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill. GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes... FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming. SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney... FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart! GOLLUM: Where? SAM: Where? FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us? FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home. FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away. HELM'S DEEP ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows. ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in. ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I... GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short. LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are! HENNETH ANNUN FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly? FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam. FARAMIR: Your...image consultant? SAM: His gardener. FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way? SAM: Exactly. FRODO: Righ—What?? HELM'S DEEP ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people... LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you. ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience. GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me! ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time? GIMLI: Yes! Toss me! ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way... GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs! FANGORN FOREST TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing. PIPPIN: I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I... MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too! PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry. MERRY: Am I? Thanks. TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home. PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him. MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN) PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease? TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes. OSGILIATH FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs. FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat. SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul... FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment. SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it. FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude. FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech. SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time... ISENGARD TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place. TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK! MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world. PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that. SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character... HELM'S DEEP GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer. ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally! GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back. ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough. SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced... FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam... ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though... EOWYN: What? ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away. AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool. ISENGARD TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once. OSGILIATH SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to- FRODO: SAM!! SAM: What? FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on. SAM: Oh. Oh, good. EN ROUTE TO MORDOR SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute. FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered. SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way? FRODO: Yes? SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot. FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that. SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn? FRODO: Yeah. You like it?... GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses... PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"? PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Bob Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 Granted, that wasn't very condensed...but when you compare it to the length of the movie.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reverend Jax Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 So 2T, you don't like walkign movies, so did you not like The Neverending Story? No, I'm not talking about Pearl Harbor, that's the name of the movie, The Neverending Story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted March 31, 2003 Author Share Posted March 31, 2003 never ending story - great song, shite movie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spongebob Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 LMAO!!!!!!!!!! I always knew Samwise was gay. Why would he be chasing him around all the time and when Smeagol came around he was jelous... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Hah..a certain unnamed member - 2Track - ranked on my favorite movies (its an opinion thread! ??? ), and exposed another one i wanna hear about...Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon...how'd you not like this one, seriously? Cool points if you dont bitch about dumb shit like subtitles or "it wasnt realisitc!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spongebob Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 You don't like it because of the stupid ass effects... And the Subtitles Nvm I don't mind them much anymore Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 You misunderstood: I was asking 2Track. I may not agree with his reasons for hating some of these flicks, but at least he's seen a few & has thought things through. No joke, comments like "dumb ass effects" on CTHD...man, i take it back, dont watch any classic John Woo/Chow Yun Fat stuff, you wont dig it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spongebob Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Once agian... DUMBASS EFFECTS!!! and i spelled it so you know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Did someone kick your ass at school today? Why are you trolling so much now? Your opion - stupid as it is - has been noted, you dont need to keep repeating it; youre 15, i get it. Now piss off before I get added to the list of people who dont read your threads anymore. Moving along...2T when you see this, yeah, handle Crouching Tiger, im interested...and where do you stand on Raging Bull? If you havent seen that one, you really should... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spongebob Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 I am not trolling........ Nvm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted April 1, 2003 Author Share Posted April 1, 2003 5 Things I hate about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 1)I'm not too big on kung fu so... 2)That tree thing. Everybody went on and on about it but when I finally saw it I was not very impressed. 3)Some of the dialoge was particularly nasty. " I am the Invincible Sword Goddess, armed with the incredible Green Destiny"....uh okay... 4)The fact Lee made it with 15,000,000. Fuck me. 5)The piece de resistance - When the chick went into the cave I thought I was gonna see jabs but I got screwed. Grrrr. For the record "Raging Bull" is one of the greatest movies of all time. It was on my shortlist but I'm not too sure if it made it to the final of my best films list. Damn, thinking back it better have. The opening scene with DeNero in the ring is soooo fucking good. It's so simple yet so powerful. When DeNero does the fat La Motta - wow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spiffytee Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 2track, that's great! honestly, lord of the rings kinda reminded me of harry potter. i can't totally agree with all your ranting, but, dammit, it's pretty cool to voice it out. btw, how is it you don't like kung fu, but you like bloodsport? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted April 1, 2003 Author Share Posted April 1, 2003 I'll tell ya how - the man, the myth.... I mean how can you not love that guy? I've seen Street Fighter around a hundred times (and for all of you who dismissed it after the first viewing, or never bothered watching it at all) alls I gotta say is it gets better and better with each viewing. The scene on the boat...now that is a modern day classic. I'd like to see the Van Dammage he'd do to Keanu and the Hidden Green destiny dragon mooks. I especially like it when there's two Van Dammes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spongebob Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 5 Things I hate about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 1)I'm not too big on kung fu so... 2)That tree thing. Everybody went on and on about it but when I finally saw it I was not very impressed. 3)Some of the dialoge was particularly nasty. " I am the Invincible Sword Goddess, armed with the incredible Green Destiny"....uh okay... 4)The fact Lee made it with 15,000,000. Fuck me. 5)The piece de resistance - When the chick went into the cave I thought I was gonna see jabs but I got screwed. Grrrr. Same list I got on why Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger or some thing like that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reverend Jax Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Spongebob's 5 things I hate about Crouching Tiger: 1. Hate reading. Period. I don't even read posts, I just type replies! 2. No rapping kangaroos that steal an envelope full of money! 3. I couldn't understand how they flew. I hate things I don't understand. 4. The soundtrack as all like old classical music, no blink 182 songs. 5. It was impossible to sit through. It should have been 30 seconds long, like commercials. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted April 1, 2003 Author Share Posted April 1, 2003 2. No rapping kangaroos that steal an envelope full of money! Although it is taking the piss that is the best reason for a movie to suck ever. God Bless you JMT and God Bless you Jerry Bruckheimer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Hah..that's a trip. I was just gonna use: 1) Tard 2) My taste in movies sucks 3) I wasnt paying attention 4) Tard 5) Words aaaaaaah but your list is much better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ganny McVagflaps Posted April 2, 2003 Author Share Posted April 2, 2003 Jeez this really is all about the hate... iz getting more of it than the movies. I'm gonna refrain from commenting on this one.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.