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Fuck my life


the division of joy
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  • 2 weeks later...
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML

 

Dude deserved that one. Blue martians? That's fucking absurd.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

 

Oh, snap!

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Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don't own a diesel car. FML

 

I vote this guy deserves it for either A) Dating a Woman from the 1940s or B) Dating a fucking idiot. Honestly, the stupidest, thickest, most simple women I have ever met at least know that much.

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Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

 

This should be the opening of a book. It could be called "Are You There God? It's Margaret Again... Fuck you."

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Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don't own a diesel car. FML

 

I call shenanigans on this one. I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but here the diesel pumps have slightly more girth than the unleaded pumps, making them impossible to get into a regular gas tank. I know this because as a teenager I tried and thought I was retarded because I couldn't figure out how to get the gas pump into my gas tank. I soon realized it was a diesel pump and I was retarded for a different reason entirely.

 

And in Bizarro world, I'm pretty sure they drive diesel itself and fill it up with Corollas.

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I call shenanigans on this one. I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but here the diesel pumps have slightly more girth than the unleaded pumps, making them impossible to get into a regular gas tank. I know this because as a teenager I tried and thought I was retarded because I couldn't figure out how to get the gas pump into my gas tank. I soon realized it was a diesel pump and I was retarded for a different reason entirely.

 

And in Bizarro world, I'm pretty sure they drive diesel itself and fill it up with Corollas.

 

Okay maybe not Bizarro world, but at least Soviet Russia.

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I know this because as a teenager I tried and thought I was retarded because I couldn't figure out how to get the gas pump into my gas tank. I soon realized it was a diesel pump and I was retarded for a different reason entirely.

 

 

Okay, I just want to let you know that you are not the only one. That happened to me the first time I ever put gas in a car...

 

Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and i told the waiter I'll have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, " Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML
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Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiance: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk.' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML
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