The NZA Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Yup, same guy as "I am more talented than your kids" and all that, taken from The Best Page In The Universe... Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women. Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas. I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:" 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down! When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch. 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice. What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway? 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence. Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations. 4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote. 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you. LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes. 6. Play with your hair. Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard? 7. His hands always find yours. This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned. 8. Be cute when he really wants something. Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober. 9. Offer you plenty of massages. For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth. 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork. Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples. 11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts. See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse. 12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1. Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding. 13. Stare at you. You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel. 14. Call for no reason. Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends." I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kee Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 Very funny man but all in all i think you might be being just a bit one sided. But I got 26 Things the perfect girl can do. B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigChiefSlapaho Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reverend Jax Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 I love that site. It's immense too. I've found pages there that I loved adn it took me hours to find it again. Here are some gems: Lies Girls Have Told Me Movies I hate that begin with "T" and end with "ITANIC" MORE Lies Girls Have Told Me When is the last time a whale did anything for you? For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three. And my favorite...Composition of a woman's personality. Just check otu the illustration from that last link: Classic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kee Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 I'm jsut in love with that pic Chief put up there. What movie is that from. I believe I recognize the little guy in the front. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigChiefSlapaho Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 I thought it was an old school candy bar commercial. I think I remember seeing it once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spiffytee Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 I've been trying to avoid putting up another page about Gothics for a while now, but recently I've been getting a flood of emails from dipshit Gothics that don't know the definition of satire and sarcasm. I received the following hate mail just the other day: Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 22:12:47 GMT From: captain kirk To: maddox@xmission.com Subject: hipocrit!!! you are are a judgemental son of a bithc who are you to jugde people who choose to live the gothic life s5yle youre not them you dont know what theyve been through it makes me so sad to see a pathetic dickless weener like you wasting youre energy putting down other people you make me sick gothic people make a diffence standing up for what they believe they dont need cock suckers like you putting them down!!! eat shit and die!!! ______________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com I don't know what they've been through? What the hell are you talking about? What exactly have they been through? Maybe a course in bigotry, bias and blind submission? I'm putting down people that make a difference? My bad, I forgot about the whole gothic humanitarian movement. Gandhi and Martin Luther King had better watch their ass; they have some competition of the gothic persuasion. It's ironic that you're complaining because I put down people for "standing up for what they believe," while the reason you're writing to me is because I too am standing up for what I believe. By the way, I think you might want to leave gothic representation to someone that can spell from now on jackass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted July 9, 2003 Author Share Posted July 9, 2003 Ha..nice one, that guy's hate mail is a trip. Oh, and is it me or does the candy kid on the right look like he's startin to say "you got the knocked the fuck (out)"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted July 10, 2003 Author Share Posted July 10, 2003 PS hey chiefy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Bob Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 Hah, holy shit it does, IC. "Got knocked the fu-" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigChiefSlapaho Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 That shit..... that shit was.... ah Goddammit... that was nasty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spiffytee Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 actually guys, that looks like, "that's so fresh" thanks for the pic IC, now i know what my breakfast looks like at 3pm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking .... I like Irish's answers, but I figured hey I got time before I go to rest, why not.... 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down! HA HA HA! This is making me laugh already. You expect men to have some kind of Marvel Comic psychic ability to know what's wrong, how to fix it, and how to make you smile. Add to that the lack of self respect to just constantly give up all our plans in life just to make you smile... Hah! And the fact is, in my experience and observance, there's those times that you just can't make them smile or fix the situation no matter how hard you try, and the only thing that ends up fixing anything is when you give them time and space to cool off! But on with the essay of the Rediculous... 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice. See? This is exactly the confusion that goes on... Which is it? Do you want to see him snorting your tendrils of hair up his nostrils like it was the sweetest of crack-cocaines? Or would you rather not know they your precious freshly washed hair was traveling through his goober encrusted nasal passages, coating the strands with his runny nose? Which is it? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!! 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence. As I said before, I like IC's responses. Basically a case of defend her from the bad ole meanies, but then act as if it were nothing. 4. Give you the remote control during the game. What game? See IC's response. I don't give a crap about any game, cept' video games, and no one better dare think about interrupting that, unless there is danger of death, I.E. The place had better be on fire or something. 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you. Hah! Who ever wrote these obviously must not be with some one, dreaming, and probably lonely. Who doesn't do this? And you can't seriously mean all the time, because that gets annoying. Then again anything can if too much. 6. Play with your hair. Remember Mr. Snotty Nose? Yeah, he just picked it, and now he wants to run his fingers all through your precious hair! Still want him to play with your hair? Didn't think so. 7. His hands always find yours. What is he blind? or do you want some guy that lives next to a nuclear power plant that has hands with eyes and can see with his hands? Holding hands is nice, but not that important in a relationship. Who ever wrote this obviously must be like 14, immature, never had a date, or has the IQ of a blade of grass. What about interests? Communication? Honesty? Behavior? Habits? You have a brain, now use it for once! 8. Be cute when he really wants something. Yeah, that's it, you want him to do what you do when you want something. Beat around the bush about it, and then when he doesn't get the little tiny hints you've been so nicely dropping him, you get all ticked off, start blaming him for everything, tick him off, and ruin both your nice days you could have had when all you had to do was say just what you wanted!!! Great idea. 9. Offer you plenty of massages. Heh, you want a slave, not a boyfriend. 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork. Not all the time. Geeze, get your priorities straight! Life is not just hugglez, and gigglez, and massagez, and being cute. Grow up! 11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts. Heh, you wish it hurt. And react cutely? Yeah, you expect him to get cute after you've just argued with him, gotten him all upset, and then hit him? Oh ok we live in a fantasy world when all we have to do is wave the girlie magic wand and presto everything iz just warm little fuzzies, gigglez, and cute! Oh boy! 12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1. Ha ha ha! This is one of the more funny ones I've seen! If you live five hours away, and he drives 5 hrs to see you for 1, it's probably someone you just hooked up with after meeting him in some teenluv chatroom, and I seriously doubt this situation would ever actually happen. I guess if you're that desperate... 13. Stare at you. Heh. That's funny. Usually if a guy does this, then the girl begins to think either there is something wrong with them, or the guy is some kind of pervert. 14. Call for no reason. ... and then hang up on you... for no reason. Well, ladies and gentlemen, clearly this girl's got her priorities in order! After all she got them from Seventeen magazine. I mean after all they are experts on men, because they do their research asking questions from ... other.. women. What a bunch of crap. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Here's the full list(alng with my comments): 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down Addressed Above (from now on I'll just put AA down.) 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice AA 3. Stick up for you, but still respect your independence AA 4. Give you the remote control during the game AA 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you AA 6. Play with your hair AA 7. His hands always find yours AA 8. Be cute when he really wants something AA 9. Offer you plently of massages AA 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork AA 11. Never run out of love Finally, one we haven't already addressed. Never run out of love? Hah! This is code for "I can do whatever I want, but I'm gonna have him rapped around my little finger." 12. Be funny but know how to be serious Basically, she wants a guy to act how she wants him to, when she wants him to. This girl would be happier with a robot. 13. Realize he’s being funny when he needs to be serious Oh, and psychic too I see! 14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready ...but what isn't said, and implied here is "He'd better always be on time or early." 15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts AA 16. Smile a lot Even if it's Bucktooth Willy? Oh, I mean your brother? 17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn’t normally like to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you She gets her way, you get squat. 18. Appreciate you Thank her for being such a nice taskmaster. 19. Help others out More slavery. You must obey her friends as well. 20. Drive five hours just to see you for one AA 21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each other, even when his friends are around On the Cheek?! Oh my gosh! That's so racy! No, no, no, how about on the lips... You know like most couples do? 22. Sing, even if he can’t Oh man, I just had breakfast too. I'm about to have it again. 23. Have a creative sense of humour Basically more slavery, this time mind control. 24. Stare at you AA 25. Call for no reason AA 26. Quit smoking, drinking, or doing drugs just because he loves you that much to quit Um... what if he already quit, brainiac? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dante Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 dude, is that a mistake or are the last two posts a year and a half apart? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
La Lindsay Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 i love maddox. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 dude, is that a mistake or are the last two posts a year and a half apart? No, no mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobitussinEF Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 aww nothing like digging up an old thread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Yup. Once in a while I see a guest looking at an old one, so I go and check it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*MisSarah* Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 damn whats wrong with u guys...i mean im not big into the mushy stuff either but come one u gotta be sweet to your girl sometimes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Sarah, it was a joke. I was kidding... On most of it. Seriously, I'm a hopeless romantic and I can be as mushy as anyone... Almost. When it comes to dating that is. But, hey it's fun to joke. I wouldn't say stuff like that if I were serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*MisSarah* Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 i dont think nick was joking! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Well, some of it was pretty lame, and asking too much. Parts of it were ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*MisSarah* Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 i agree... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
La Lindsay Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 um, i dunno, i think most of it's pretty lame. i think it's cooler if the guy doesn't cheat and doesn't lie about things. that's all i ask. but i know it's a lot to ask of some guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.