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Blargh - The Random Thread


The NZA

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right, but back then, you couldnt see her titties...oh, that might be what you meant, tho

 

Crazy about Bangkok

 

minger.jpg

 

My wife is a minger. Should I run away to Thailand?

 

This is the question that many men ask themselves each time they put down their heavily-soiled copy of Asian Babes. Do you have what it takes to start a new life in the exotic East? Yes? Then why not put yourself to the test.

 

  1. Do you want to teach English and get paid with pretty sea shells and colourful beads?

 

  2. Do you like shy girls who hide behind towels and only let you get it in half-way?

 

  3. Do you want to live with a raddled prostitute who cheats you into financial ruin before fucking-off back to her drug-dealing Thai boyfriend?

 

  4. Do you want to become a fat, tedious, no-mates cunt with a bottle of Chang beer welded to your hand?

 

  5. Do you want to amuse the ladies of the Nana Disco with your ridiculous dyed comb-over whilst trying to coax them back to your filthy cinder-block cell for a grudging sympathy-fuck?

 

  6. Do you want to buy a dream bar, go broke and stage a dramatic death-plunge from your Pattaya balcony?

 

If you can answer yes to at least three of these questions, then get ready to pack your bags. You’re off to live in Thailand!

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Elephant Jokes For All Ages!

 

elephant3.gif

 

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?

A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins!

 

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You can’t, silly, there is only one Tarzan!

 

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

 

elephant4.gif

 

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card!

 

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling!

 

Q: How do you buy an elephant in Africa?

A: Just take one! People there all have AIDS and eat sand!

 

elephant1.gif

 

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel!

 

Q: How do you stop an elephant from having babies?

A: Bend a coathanger and stick it into the elephant’s uterus where the fetus is gestating!

 

Q: How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a duck?

A: You can’t lure an elephant over with bread crumbs, break its neck, put the corpse in a box labeled “Free Pet Duck” and leave it in a schoolyard!

 

elephant2.gif

 

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks!

 

Q: How do you make an elephant sad?

A: Shoot a homosexual!

 

Q: Why do elephants eat retarded babies?

A: Because that’s all you ever feed them, silly!

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Break-Up

 

couple.jpg

 

I remember falling asleep next to my last girlfriend. She'd have these horrible nightmares sometimes — I'd spoon up closely to her and rub her shoulder, whispering soothing nothings in her ear until she calmed down in her sleep. I remember thinking how good it made me feel to make her feel better and watch over her even when she was sleeping.

I'd sit up and listen for her breathing to slow down to normal again.

 

Then — POW! Right in the shitbox with the ol' dirty cock.

 

Anyway, we broke up.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I remember this other time coming home from work and finding my girlfriend in tears. She'd just gotten off the phone with her mother — her grandmother had passed away in the night.

 

Standing there in the hallway, feeling small for my work problems, trying to comfort her, not knowing what to say, it was the first time I remember ever feeling a barrier with her — a sense that there was something wrong that I couldn't fix, that there was a part of her I didn't know.

 

Then I thought back to the day that my grandmother had died, and I suddenly realized what I needed to do.

 

"Honey? Do you remember when my grandmother died? Do you remember what you told me?"

 

"Yes," she whispered.

 

"And what did I say?"

 

"You said you wanted to put your dirty ol' cock in my shitbox."

 

"That's true, I did," I said, liberally distributing a few inches of the filthy ol' cock out of my pants. "Now, I've got a crazy idea here, I want you to hear me out..."

 

And then suddenly I'M the one getting kicked out of the apartment. People grieving suck ass, man.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"Excuse me, garcon? shitbox for one. I believe you'll find the reservation under a Mr. Floppy O. Cock."

 

"Jay, for the last time, I'm working. I'm not wearing that stupid maitre'd outfit." [type type type]

 

"Perhaps THIS will refresh your memory."

 

"Twenty dollars. Yes, great, thanks. I really need to get back to work." [type type type]

 

a pause.

 

"Perhaps THIS will refresh your memory."

 

"Jay, that had better not be what I think it is on my shoulder."

 

a pause.

 

"I drew a moustache on it."

 

"Get out!"

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Alright, Jay. My parents'll be here any minute. One more time. What won't you ask me?"

 

"mumblemumble..."

 

"Louder."

 

"If I can stick it in your dumper."

 

"What won't you stick in my dumper?"

 

"My filthy ol' cock."

 

"And what won't you call your genitals at ANY TIME tonight?"

 

"My filthy ol' cock."

 

And what will you not -- under any circumstances -- even if you think it's called for, or if you misinterpret that someone wants to see it -- pull out of your pants tonight?"

 

[reluctantly] "My filthy ol' cock."

 

"And what won't you say tonight?"

 

"Anything."

 

"Good. Okay. Remember. Smile. And you're a mute."

 

[knock knock knock]

 

"That's them. How do I look?"

 

[leering, making move for pants zipper]

 

"Nevermind. Mom! Dad! How are you? How was your trip?"

 

"Horrible traffic off I-90. Your poor mother was a wreck."

 

"Well, let me take your coats. Mom, Dad, this is Jay, my mute boyfriend."

 

"Hello, Jay."

 

"Hello, Jay."

 

[mimed friendly hello]

 

"Can I get you anything to drink, Mom? Dad?"

 

"I'll have a sherry, dear."

 

"I'll have your mother up the shitbox, dear."

 

"DAD!"

 

"What? I will. Jay? you had this little number up the shitbox yet?"

 

[eyeing girlfriend nervously] "I'm... not at liberty to say."

 

Girlfriend runs out of room crying. Jay waits for the sound of door slamming.

 

"Okay, yes."

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as·i·nine (ăs'ə-nīn') pronunciation

adj.

 

  1. Utterly stupid or silly: asinine behavior.

  2. Of, relating to, or resembling an ass.

 

[Latin asinīnus, of an ass, from asinus, ass.]

as'i·nine'ly adv.

as'i·nin'i·ty (-nĭn'ĭ-tē) n.

 

Synonyms:

absurd, brainless, childish, cockamamie, crazy, daffy, daft, dingy, dippy, doltish, dotty, empty-headed, excessive, exorbitant, fantastic, far out, fatuous, fool-hardy, foolish, feebleminded, half-baked, half-witted, harebrained, idiotic, ignorant, ill-advised, ill-considered, illogical, imbecilic, immature, imprudent, inappropriate, incautious, inconsistent, incredible, indiscreet, injudicious, insane, irrational, jerky, kooky, lamebrained, laughable, loony, ludicrous, lunatic, mad, moronic, nerdy, nonsensical, nutty, outrageous, preposterous, ridiculous, screwy, senseless, short-sighted, silly, simple, stupid, unbelievable, unintelligent, unreasonable, unthinkable, unusual, unwise, wacky, weak, wild, witless, zany

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