The NZA Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 BIG OL' RANT INCOMING, YOU AINT GOTTA READ IT BUT PLEASE ONLY REPLY IF YOU DO at a certain age, i think, you stop assuming the world sees the world as you do. this thread is an attempt to put the unspoken into words & see you feels it. << bear this in mind, but don't let it excuse me here cause ive wanted to put this down forever, just needed a bit more courage to try, because i know it's all over the place. back when Yahven & I were running this joint (by a different name), most - if any - of our arguments were philosophical. i plan on doing a lot more with this very point later this year, but point is, we had different ideas of what an ideal member of our community would consist of. Mine has very little to do with me, but admittedly, more than a bit to do with the kind've person i tend to mesh with most. i recall one discussion we had where i made this - and mind you, we were knee-deep in the PS1 golden era of RPGs, so if this goes past you, wiki it - analogy that Hondo's was a fucking pile of dirt that i took and tried to build on, then recruited people, and like Suikoden, each member added something, however minute at the time, until it was a castle, constantly taking shape from even the quietest of members. years later - past the fanboy way i see this world, to an extent anyway - i realized for me, it goes much further back. i like to think more of you will relate to this vs an obscure time capsule of a JRPG, to be fair. ...you know what? the word "hypocrite" is thrown around this board like it's fucking pee-wee's playhouse word of the fuckin' day, so lemme barely indulge that and quote something else obscure that Baytor & a few of you will place, but hopefully most of you will somehow feel: "You know who i was? I was the kid in school who was smart but never tried. Who was tough but never fought, who survived because the big kids liked his jokes and the little kids were easier meat than he was. I was in your class. You remember me." - Hitman # 55, Garth Ennis, like 10 years ago and now I'm quoting his washed-up ass so we're full circle. my point is, I was the last dude to label you & tell you who the fuck you were in fucking high school. If you're the kind've person who believes you can judge a man by the company he keeps, a very forgiving person on their best day would say I believe in people changing, when and if they want to. There's no doubt, a part of you is who you are since like day one, but I like to think anyone can become what they want themselves to be. That obviously includes myself, but it's why i tend to try to forgive or just move on when my heart should be fucking well trampeled. that, and i keep ya'll at an arms distance and have a giant encyclopedia of 90's bullshit hip-hop/x-men references where my soul should be, but let's cover than an another emo post entitled "WHY YOUR ADMIN IS GOING TO SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND IT'S ALL LOGAN'S FAULT AND YOU SHOULD NEVER LOVE HIM/STOP +1'ING HIM, HE"S A MONSTER.". I'm working on that title, admittedly. having been raised irish-catholic, it could be more guilt-ridden. I was kinda unique on my block & fortunate enough to catch enough financial aid to go to the same small private school from K-4 (years old) to 9th grade (15). I was fairly popular for an underweight, smart-mouthed, likely-albino kid in a very small place, but given the violent environment i lived in outside of school before coming to cutler ridge and growing up, i was quite immature and sheltered. One trait that carried from then to public school to prep school to college and beyond was an outright rejection of social standards on how people "ought" to be or spend their time. oddly, that only been rebuffed as i aged. since it's one of the only times we got to actually socialize/develop/show our colors, the lunchroom - past eating of course, cause we were hungry as fuck - looking back, this was a big chance to show who you were. I didn't judge you for selling me out when the teacher asked who impersonated them saying "i love anal!"; i did kinda judge you for who sold out the dorky kid when the school bully came looking for a victim, though. because a real friend walked away with 2 black eyes, even if both were only on their pride. so, come socializing hour, I could sit with the jocks (i dont dig major league shit, but since we all share by laying out our resume, i actually did football, track and soccer at like 120 lbs wet, with a wolverine necklace like the biggest herb you ever met), but come break, they felt like all they did was posture about laying pipe when we all any of us barely got play. The cool kids table spent too much time shit-talking the jocks like we were on some ranked echelon and they were mad jelly, which bores me more than jocks' dick-talk did. the girls were often talking about nothing (no offense ladies, a lotta cool broads i know now were still on some bullshit in HS, please believe no one wants to read my thoughts back then now either though), so i figured, i'd sit at my own empty table and see who migrated. this was literally something i did in jr high, high school, college, and jobs since then. by no means do i believe i inspire a fucking cult of personality or draw disciples with my translucent ass, but i like to think my non-hostility and openness/non-judging ass can at the very least be inviting/comfortable, and brought the like-minded to break bread. and for many years, that's how it worked. one deviant would come sit at the end of the table, and others would quietly follow, and before you know it, i'd have a whole table of outcasts talking about comics or masturbation or socialism or whatever the fuck they wanted or just starting a food-fight with everyone else. if i caught myself guiding the discussion to some shit i was on that nobody felt (this was usually age of apocalypse, ODB's first album , nietzsche, nate grey, or nine inch nails - picture the philosophy forum for the hip-hop thread now ) id bow out and see where it went, because i never wanted to lead so much as just be there and get the ball rolling. none of us walk in the next man's shoes, so the only way you find out about them is to talk shit. before you know it, a few months have passed, and you find out, you're not the only one at the table who's been abused, and gets into some grimy Method Man shit to escape that/feel bigger than it. Obviously I'm reaching back and getting more specific than i'd like, but i imagine you follow. I always saw Hondo's as my same table of outcasts, taken on a much larger scale. The golden rule was to not make the next man/woman feel unwelcome, which is why the only thing you'd see my skinny ass rise up and throw blows was bullying - nothing got/gets me more hot than having this free environment were you didn't have to posture, and the gaming nerd i usually was bonding with was trying to bring himself up in the pack or whatever by clowning on the virgin dungeons & dragons dude like his path/shit wasn't anything (protip: this speaks a tremendous deal to how i run this place; if i ever crack down on you, 9 times out of 10? you were this guy in my mind, but prolly didn't mean to be). Again i reserve this word, but that was hypocrisy, and I hated it. I still do when it rears its head here, obviously. this post should be referened in the future: DO YOU FEEL NZA IS UNFAIRLY TARGETING YOU? THIS IS MOST LIKELY WHY. if egos get too large here, I will bully the bullies. that is literally the only time you'll see me comfortably flexing admin muscles, because i've held civil service jobs long enough to tell you: like a number of you, i don't get off on power. but fuck white knighting; i sure as shit don't mind making the least/meekest of you feel comfortable here by stomping on the balls of those who make you feel like this is anywhere but your home. if you're into psycho-analzying and wonder where this fetish comes from? bear in mind, the quiet/nice kid on the block who wears his intentions on his sleeve is, to this day, the one who most often treats me more like family than my family does. please believe; if you bring this shit up when i'm sober, i'll sidestep it. it's taken me years to accept this, but you know what? even if you were super mainstream, you could still find a home here, but speaking generally, your ass would prolly be reading Insider magazine about celebrity gossip and not be inclined to talk about duality and bukkake and 90's comics and transhumanism and all kinds've shit personal to you here. you'd be welcome of course, but like anyone, i'd quietly ask you to hit the fucking bricks before letting you call the next person a loser and telling them X/Y/Z to do with their life day in and day out. This table is the only one out there that isn't on that bullshit. You can get judged in 5th period, and every one after that, if society wants. not here. ...for me, Panch once nailed it by saying: every house party you go to, there's one Hondonian about; they just don't know it yet. When you know what to look for, they're often the guy/gal chilling in the cut having a drink, that you'll end up bullshitting the whole night away about how all the ways Civil War could've ended up without Millar punking out, or why Anakin was such a bitch, or why it was hilarious peeing in the pool or anything far tamer but just as fun and honest. My point is, there's always that outcast who may or not may not enjoy themselves, but is just waiting to mesh with a bunch of fucking deviants online when embracing a hot costner and being accepted (and not judged) for the craziest of opinions/confessions. We take all types, but i don't think it's unfair to say the ones who stay have more in common than just the ability to laugh at themselves when dicks like Logan draw a hilarious caricature of you and you realize what amount of love it takes to inspire that kind've effort. everyone's different, of course. there's some who need a curve to come out of their shell & be recognized, and might spend longer or never know where their niche was, despite everyone else seeing it. there's others like ASC and fucking logans who show up like a stray cat pissing on that microfiber rug i'm still paying interest on you overly-familiar shit and just sort've make a niche for themselves in such a way that you didn't know how much we needed someone like that before, until they leave for other endeavors and you just wanna egg them back on so they'll mock you, just to see them about. others are quieter and don't always get validation but get the hapless admin PM'd saying "where'd arnah/genroh/amy/lulu/ly/etc go? they were basically why i came here" and further illustrate the point that, like some inverse butterfly effect shit, you have no idea how much even you just being yourself is valued by another person. Without naming names? Some of you quiet motherfuckers have actually caused other members to grow past social anxiety disorders and find love. Think about that: just by posting on topics that interest you and being yourself, you gave another real person strength to be who they are and find love offline. if you don't think your words carry weight here, it's because you can't see it from the louder egos who don't move hearts like you do. hondonians come and go. and this community is only better for everyone one of you, even if no one ever has the courage to tell you. don't ever assume just because no one has the heart to PM or reply to you that you don't have a kindred spirit here when some of us (including myself) don't always chime in to say they feel what you're saying. if we all sat the at the same table, on any given day - for a number of reasons - half of us wouldn't be able to bring food, and even so? no one'd go hungry. there's love for everybody if you're willing to stay & see it from someone else's perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aartemys Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 ...yeah. word, aarty! while i'm on my "realest shit i ever spoke" thread - inspired by the love i found on a recent stunt - for posterity, here's my universal reply to any silly-ass questions regarding quitting on this labor of love. please believe, hondo's will outlast every fad and it's baby's momma's momma, until we can all meet in VR and break bread with portal guns or whatever and cease fronting with italics where heart should be. all love to my family here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Star Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Now that was a better way to start my morning. So much of what many people in life want is validation and honesty. Not to blow smoke...not to pander...but just to have real people in their lives that aren't about that bullshit. I know I'm new to most here...but I've known you longer "offline" than "online"...and Nick...you're good people Hondos or no. I'm glad for the part this forum has played in my life...for the laughs...and the opportunities to meet some really fabulous people. Do your thing boo...nothin but love for ya... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alive she cried Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 others are quieter and don't always get validation but get the hapless admin PM'd saying "where'd arnah/genroh/amy/lulu/ly/etc go? they were basically why i came here" and further illustrate the point that, like some inverse butterfly effect shit, you have no idea how much even you just being yourself is valued by another person. Without naming names? Some of you quiet motherfuckers have actually caused other members to grow past social anxiety disorders and find love. Think about that: just by posting on topics that interest you and being yourself, you gave another real person strength to be who they are and find love offline. +1 to this, well the whole post actually, but especially this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetalHeart Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 This brings a tear to my eye. <3 Well said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the division of joy Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Philosophy paper aside, this is the dopest shit you've ever wrote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Beautiful. And not in a vague or flippant way. Literally. Beautifully fucking illustrated. 'Baytor quickly confiscated my +1 today, unfortunately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archangel Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 um, Nick? it should be An Hondonian....you see, when an indefinite article begins with a vowel sounding letter, or begins with an 'H', it is to be preceded by 'an', not 'a'.... nevermind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archangel Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 <i><font size="1">just to be clear...this means you're NOT tired and stepping down as admin, right?</font></i><br> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Visitant Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 None of you fuckers can complain that I talk about myself too much after that post. (<3 Nick) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Jesus Bindy. It's not all about you, ok? It's clearly all about me. ctrl+f Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jables Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Now that Joel & Bindy have set the precedent for coming in here and posting without genuine sentiment, I now feel safe coming to say that your post was very legible NZA, and had a minimum of spelling mistakes. I don't do the feelings but agree wholeheartedly with your statement. Someone needs to name names though and tell me who overcame anxiety disorders and found love? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Well, I don't know about love, but we have had several marriages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benz Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Awesome, post Nick. Just awesome. I know what my posts have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hakujin Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 + + Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 The Haku 2011 relaunch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hakujin Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 You of all ppl should respect someone showing their LOVE in picture form, Thrizzledaddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thelogan Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I do, I do, merely an observation. edit: Except that before you edited it, it was just Napoleon Dynamite and Rushmore. I don't know if your links were broken or if you decided to change the tone later, but that's the post I responded to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 ONE WEEK LATER, ALSO KINDA DRUNK point is, i hope you all can find a niche on here and grow/be accepted. fuck anyone tells you you're not welcome on Hondo's. for real, i might not even like you right now, but that speaks to both where i'm at at the moment and how i perceive you on the internet, not who you are. be yourself on here, and i honestly believe, you'll be accepted/valued by others here, even if we're too scared to show it. i'm supposed to be the admin, right? i should'nt even care how i'm perceived, but i had this idea to do a sort've kumbayah-ish xtranormal video to show even the most/least outspoken members how i felt they were valued...but by the time i sat down to do it, i was knee-deep in some bullshit with haku, and the panch, and then just kind've lost incentive because i'm not strong enough to be the bigger man & put my balls out there to be stepped on/misunderstood/twisted sometimes. and i can ban people. think about that next time you have some shit you wanna share or just get off your chest but you're too frightened nobody'll relate or feel it or whatever; just putting it out there in the open might change you perspective/make you feel better/show you you're not the only one that feels that way, and i like to think this is the place to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the division of joy Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 On the subject of finding a niche, I've been here what, 5 years, nearly 6, and still not found a niche really for myself (being an indignant sour puss is not a niche, its a way of life) but its a lot of fun trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The NZA Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 ^some ol' bullshit right there. if you don't think there's a DoJ-sized hole when you're absent, you're listening to the peanut gallery too much or not noticing how much your exchanges matter to me/chikinz/ames/even people you've sparred with like MH. one of my angles of beef with the current rep system is you might not feel as valued as you are even by that metric; meanwhile, lots of hondonians chat with you on IM and ive listened to/watched/played etc more than a few things on your say-so. i get it when other members (or the DoJ of years past) say they feel slept-on; but now? you're a fucking staple, make peace with it. you don't notice your niche 'cause it's yours & you made it yourself. years from now, there'll be a DoJ disciple that fills it. that likely sounds like smoke up your ass only because you've not been around long enough to see it. we've got Jonts and King of Snakes and Da Judges etc on here now, whether they know it or not - ask Tulip, she's from preachers in 99 or so, i bet she's seen it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archangel Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 yea, niches are fine and dandy, that means fuck all in some cases, Nick lol I have my own niche here, too, carved in blood and bullshit. But I guarantee my long breaks are welcomed by many if not all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lipala Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 yea, niches are fine and dandy, that means fuck all in some cases, Nick lol I have my own niche here, too, carved in blood and bullshit. But I guarantee my long breaks are welcomed by many if not all. I'd be cool without the breaks Just calm the rage from time to time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TulipO Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Quit calling me Hitler and I actually like having you here Joel. In fact, I actually like YOU, even if you don't like me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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